Stand-Up Comedy

[Martin Hash]

My friend of 40 years, Curt Butler, and I both think we’re funny, and we’d decided to take a Stand-up comedy class together. I anticipated it greatly, but it was in Portland, Oregon, which is a warning sign. The instruction consisted of seven 3-hour sessions from a part-time young comedian who taught Spanish during the day. It was supposed to be equal parts theory & practical, and was held in the Helium Comedy Club. The plan was for each of us to develop a 3-minute bit then, at the end, to perform them at the club on Open-mic night.

Helium Outside s.JPG

It started with the instructor using her power over us to deliver a couple anti-Trump comments where she assumed everyone was anti-Trump. She explained how we were all privileged, and must be sensitive of audience's sensibilities; and not to be offensive. Unless it was about Trump, I guess?

A blond, overweight gal: “I’m the only one here with a divorced husband and a wife. She’s a verified Blue Checkmark; she’s a Portland journalist. We’re a power-couple,” she said without prompting. This was not part of her routine; it was when we first went around the circle of students introducing ourselves. During the introductions, another one of the women told everyone, “I’m not here to tell jokes; I’m here to talk about feminism; I love you all.”

Helium Stage.JPG

The instructor, who I think is non-White but who am I to say, announced each of the students as they came onstage; it was a nice touch. The first guy fumbled with the mic-stand for half a minute before: “I’ve been here 5 times but I was kicked out twice,” he told us. Probably due to his jokes.

There was one student who I'd identified early as having faulty wiring. He met my expectations admirably: “I like that movie, 'The Martian,' with Matt Damon. He ate shitty potatoes: he ate potatoes then he shit them out and used the shit as fertilizer on more potatoes, which he ate; he ate shitty potatoes.” That was his joke.

Another guy, handsome and seemingly with it, was announced at the mic: “Hi,” he said, and introduced himself. “I’m 43 years old and have a 22 year old daughter, but she doesn’t talk to me.” After which he used most of his time telling us how sad he was about his strained father-daughter relationship. I kept waiting for the joke. Finally, he said, “Maybe I should tell a joke.” I didn’t even hear the joke; Curt had to tell me later.

15 budding comics, 4 of which, including my friend, Curt, are not totally embarrassing. I won’t be going again; there’s got to be a Plan B.

Open Mic s.jpg

[Montegriffo]

Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?

[Haumana]

It seems a bit late for the Plan B for most of them. I suggest hanging instead.

[Martin Hash]

Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?

Here's my 3 minutes:

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”

Normally, when you hear your name announced over the loudspeaker, that's usually bad.

I'm looking for work; have been for so long that I’m flattered when people tell me to not give up my day job because they’ve assumed I have one.

We never spanked our children but we did have a taser. Never had to use it but I did demonstrate it a lot. After a while I could just click my tongue.

I applied to be a department store Santa but I don't think I got the job because of something I said: all I asked was how I should dress?

I always wonder when I'm going to die because I don't wear a watch.

I thought I’d be an Uber driver so I tried to sign up. They wanted to know if I had any experience? Hell yeah, I’ve ridden in an Uber a bunch a times. But it turns out you have to have a car. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to take Uber, would I?

I thought I qualified for one of those reality tv shows; I’m an unattractive woman.

I don’t waste money on recycling bins because my neighbor already has some so I put my jars & cardboard in theirs. Let’s be honest, they’re usually pretty empty. That’s got to be embarrassing; the guys who pick up recycling can’t help but judge you for your lack of recyclability. My neighbors should probably buy stuff with a lot of packaging just to fill the bins, and they should be thankful I’m protecting their reputation.

You knew it was only a matter of time before someone registered some bees as their Emotional Support Animal. That makes me feel better about my Emotional Support fleas. I take them everywhere. Are you feeling a bit itchy? I'm sorry I didn't bring my Emotional Support rooster instead.

I may be old, White and male but that makes me invisible. I just stand real still and it's like: “Where’d he go?”

My son works in construction. Works hard every day doing heavy stuff; arms like tree trunks. Got them from my wife.

Being a guy, you got to come to an epiphany: all you really own is your dick and your imagination, and sometimes you don't have enough imagination to use your dick.

Everybody's got an opinion & an asshole, and I'll let you tell me which is the most useful.

[Xenophon]

Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?

Here's my 3 minutes:

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”

Normally, when you hear your name announced over the loudspeaker, that's usually bad.

I'm looking for work; have been for so long that I’m flattered when people tell me to not give up my day job because they’ve assumed I have one.

We never spanked our children but we did have a taser. Never had to use it but I did demonstrate it a lot. After a while I could just click my tongue.

I applied to be a department store Santa but I don't think I got the job because of something I said: all I asked was how I should dress?

I always wonder when I'm going to die because I don't wear a watch.

I thought I’d be an Uber driver so I tried to sign up. They wanted to know if I had any experience? Hell yeah, I’ve ridden in an Uber a bunch a times. But it turns out you have to have a car. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to take Uber, would I?

I thought I qualified for one of those reality tv shows; I’m an unattractive woman.

I don’t waste money on recycling bins because my neighbor already has some so I put my jars & cardboard in theirs. Let’s be honest, they’re usually pretty empty. That’s got to be embarrassing; the guys who pick up recycling can’t help but judge you for your lack of recyclability. My neighbors should probably buy stuff with a lot of packaging just to fill the bins, and they should be thankful I’m protecting their reputation.

You knew it was only a matter of time before someone registered some bees as their Emotional Support Animal. That makes me feel better about my Emotional Support fleas. I take them everywhere. Are you feeling a bit itchy? I'm sorry I didn't bring my Emotional Support rooster instead.

I may be old, White and male but that makes me invisible. I just stand real still and it's like: “Where’d he go?”

My son works in construction. Works hard every day doing heavy stuff; arms like tree trunks. Got them from my wife.

Being a guy, you got to come to an epiphany: all you really own is your dick and your imagination, and sometimes you don't have enough imagination to use your dick.

Everybody's got an opinion & an asshole, and I'll let you tell me which is the most useful.

I laughed.

[Speaker to Animals]

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”

I lol'd at that one.

[Montegriffo]

I thought ''After a while, I could just click my tongue'' was the best line.

[Montegriffo]

I'd pay good money to see Heydaralon do ten minutes stand up. His sense of humour is both wicked and surreal.

[Xenophon]

I'd pay good money to see Heydaralon do ten minutes stand up. His sense of humour is both wicked and surreal.

Second'd. Dude has me laughing all the time.