Identity Theft

[Martin Hash]

There are hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions of poor, young, ambitious boys around the world who have a lust for Western mercantilism and an Internet connection. As far as they’re concerned, the only thing keeping them from having what you have is your SS number and bank account password. I’ve been told it all starts when a picture of you shows up online, a phony Facebook page then appears and all your friends think the Ukrainian you is the real thing. They ask for some money and a plane ticket, fly to your house, take your place, and the neighbors start missing their dogs and cats.

The whole idea of Identity Theft seemed like bullshit to me so I thought I’d test the concept. I posted my name, SSN & address publicly online, and lots of personal information, just to see what kind of things these identity thefters can do; for example, my first dog’s name is “Boots,” and I my dad’s middle name is “Leroy;” I figured this was perfect bait needed to catch pod people. At first there was some activity but it seemed unrelated to my reverse-phishing expedition. Out of curiosity, I searched Facebook for identity thieves, and there were 5 other phony me’s!

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I’m sorry if any of you responded generously when one of my Facebook doppelgangers requested money and Hostess Ding Dongs, but that wasn’t me. I only ask for Ding Dongs. And if any of you single women have responded positively to my marriage proposals, send a picture of yourself in lingerie and I’ll talk to my wife about adding you to the harem. I've since asked Facebook to cleanup the deadwood but, oops, one guy was actually a distant relation with the same name as me, same age, and he actually lived on Hash Lane. I should have known because the picture was of some other doofus. (However, still don’t send him money.) Other than that, it’s been over a decade now and I’m still me, but a couple of my children are acting kind of funny?

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