Campaign Signs

[Martin Hash]

I'm running for political office again this year. It's become a habitual thing, something I do to reaffirm that both myself & voters are ridiculously callous & naïve. I think that general outlook on the state of modern democracy, plus the fact that I have no constituency, pretty much dooms my chances of ever getting elected, but I'm one for walking-the-walk, and if I'm going to advocate for political change then I pretty damn well better be willing to do it myself. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I'll never have to actually perform.

One of the odd things about my campaigns is that my 4x8' signs get vandalized. I don't think other candidates have this problem, or if they do, I've never seen it, but I often get phone calls from sympathetic citizens who warn me one of my signs has be changed in an unflattering way, and I should come out and fix it. (Thanks, concerned citizens.) One year, somebody (the same person telling by the handwriting), would attach accusatory, handmade placards on my signs at night. This went on for weeks. It was like a vendetta thing except the claims were generic and had no connection to me? I would have welcomed that person's apparently boundless energy & enthusiasm as part of my publicity staff.

Vandalized Campaign Sign 1.JPG

Other candidates seem inconsiderate of my signs too. One went so far as to attach his own signs over the face of my sign? I can't even imagine what was going through his mind? It's not like I don't know who you are, dickhead, your name is on your sign! This season was particular brutal is this respect. Not only did my son, Heath, bash himself in the head with a post driver, causing an Emergency Room injury, but we had a run-in with a particularly odious political sign hack.

Vandalized Campaign Sign 2.JPG

I know the seeds of a good story, and since there had been signage drama in previous campaigns, I suspected this one would be no different. In preparation, I considered what complaints would emerge and imagined how I would respond. The most obvious and conflict-prone aspect of putting up signs is where you put them. Republicans have a big advantage because usually the people who own property along major thoroughfares are Republicans, plus Democrats feel uncomfortable putting their signs up where there are a lot of Republican signs, resulting is de facto sign ghettos.

Heath had put a sign up in what he thought was an ideal location but he was concerned with its probity?
“I got the best spot yet,” he announced. “It's along 503 next to a Trump sign.” Heath knows I admire Trump's brass balls (if not the egomaniac). Heath said we should drive by so I could determine if we were okay placement-wise. After a few minutes on the computer, I confirmed, but we went to go see it together anyway because I wanted a picture. Yeah, awesome.

Campaign Sign.jpg

Unfortunately, the next day I received an incredibly rude voicemail about my Trump sign. It was a Mr. John Hallinen, and he seemed quite engaged in his bullying threat, which was that if I didn't take down my sign, he would, and if I didn't pick it up soon, he would throw it away. (I kept the obnoxious voice mail for posterity.) Well, interestingly enough, this was one of the scenarios I had imagined, and mentally prepared for, and, boy, was I ready. First, I communicated via texting to maintain a record of our correspondence. Second, I was very polite and accommodating, promising to come get my sign as soon as Heath got off work. Thirdly, I loaded my proverbial guns, in this case, computer screen captures & political websites were I could offer a public rebuttal & shaming. The trap had been sprung. Below is my posting on the “Clark County Politics” site.

“I'm a candidate for the 17th House. See below a county GIS aerial photograph for sign posting on the west side of 503 near 119th, the Nielsen Property. There is a county right-of-way for about 100 feet from the sidewalk to the private fence. I put a sign there. John Hallinen took my sign down, called me, and threatened to throw my sign away if I didn't come pick it up in 24 hrs. He was incredibly rude, and certainly made an enemy of me. 1st, He claimed to be representing the owner but offered no proof. Mr. Hallinen, if you do represent the owner, next time, as an attorney, I would like to see the power-of-attorney. 2nd, you cannot throw away my sign, and you cannot threaten to throw it away, and if you do I will take you to Small Claims court. (I know you've already lost in court before so you know what it's like.) 3rd, my sign was on a right-of-way over which you had no jurisdiction even if you did have a power-of-attorney from the owner of the property.

Sign Location.JPG

I'm posting here because it's political season, and this is a political site, and an interesting & funny story. Mr. Hallinen is perhaps the rudest man I have met in politics, and for no reason. In fact, I could have been wrong where I put the sign, and would have moved it after talking calmly with Mr. Hallinen, but even that would be overkill. Who cares? It's political sign time.”[/i]

Public-shaming of self-righteous pricks is always so satisfying. I can't wait until next election.