Perfect Marriage

[Martin Hash]

My wife, Gwynne, and I recently visited a couple whose wife is dying of cancer though you wouldn’t know it if otherwise, they seemed to have a perfect marriage. We’ve been married for 40 years; I mentioned to my wife that we also had a “perfect marriage,” but my wife deflated my claim by saying that no marriage is perfect; that all marriages had their ups & downs. I actually didn’t know what she meant by that, and wanted clarification. Let me first say that I am first & foremost, among my many expertises, a logistician, and list-making is my specialty. If I was going to claim a perfect marriage then I had to develop an objective way to measure it. I started by asking my wife what she considered a perfect marriage, and she mentioned happiness, perhaps the most subjective and overused definition ever contrived. I told her that I only wanted objective measures, not something that anybody could counter just by being perverse. I made my own list.

Being perfect can include as part of its definition that in a marriage, differences must be accepted in perfection. Differences imply disagreements so a perfect marriage certainly includes a fair amount of disagreement; as long as they always resolve without negative consequences, perfection is maintained.
Given the caveat that arguments are a part of a perfect marriage, what other objective measures are there?
1) An actual Marriage certificate for one because it signals complete commitment. A relationship can still be great without the piece of paper but...
2) Children. Society, within which marriage is defined, exists to perpetuate itself, so kids are required for a perfect marriage. Again, a marriage can still be awesome without children but not perfect. This is a common theme in my investigation of what comprises a perfect marriage; marriages can still be of the highest caliber without one of the ingredients but they aren’t “perfect.” Same sex couples with adopted children may have almost perfect marriages but the genes they pass on are not their own. A perfect marriage leaves a genetic legacy.
3) Kids turned out good, so they still want to be around their parents and visa versa. Kids in jail, etc., take the tarnish off of perfect.
4) Mother raises children and has a career, though the career is limited by the responsibility of motherhood. Similarly, the husband must have a good career.
5) The couple must experience a period of wealth, at least enough to be flexible, without financial worry, and the ability to pursue their goals, and other experiences, such as worldwide travel.
6) A perfect marriage loves their home, and that home reflects positively to the outside world. Living in a trailer park may be fine for you but other people won’t accept it as perfect.
7) Some things are out of the control of a couple, health being the most important, but good health, especially mental health, is required for a perfect marriage. 60% of all women over 40 are on some kind of psych medication, so health is a toughie.
8) Of course, never hit one another or threaten to leave. Certainly never split up.
9) No affairs, unless some kind of consensual agreement is reached.
10) Active sex life. Sex is one of the greatest enjoyments in life and should not be rationed, because opportunity lost can never be regained; 2 Thursday’s a month after a night out does not a perfect marriage make.

After I laid out my Perfect Marriage checklist to my wife, I asked, “what’s not perfect about our marriage?”
She thought I had made my case but she did add a few items:
Have at least one fancy car
Build a house
Spoil grandchildren
Visit your own parents
Put up holiday decorations
Retire together
Little jealousy
Honesty
No secrets
Both partners satisfied with the other.
A casual comfort with each other
Can watch movies together and discuss them even if they disagree.

[heydaralon]

My wife, Gwynne, and I recently visited a couple whose wife is dying of cancer though you wouldn’t know it if otherwise, they seemed to have a perfect marriage. We’ve been married for 40 years; I mentioned to my wife that we also had a “perfect marriage,” but my wife deflated my claim by saying that no marriage is perfect; that all marriages had their ups & downs. I actually didn’t know what she meant by that, and wanted clarification. Let me first say that I am first & foremost, among my many expertises, a logistician, and list-making is my specialty. If I was going to claim a perfect marriage then I had to develop an objective way to measure it. I started by asking my wife what she considered a perfect marriage, and she mentioned happiness, perhaps the most subjective and overused definition ever contrived. I told her that I only wanted objective measures, not something that anybody could counter just by being perverse. I made my own list.

Being perfect can include as part of its definition that in a marriage, differences must be accepted in perfection. Differences imply disagreements so a perfect marriage certainly includes a fair amount of disagreement; as long as they always resolve without negative consequences, perfection is maintained.
Given the caveat that arguments are a part of a perfect marriage, what other objective measures are there?
1) An actual Marriage certificate for one because it signals complete commitment. A relationship can still be great without the piece of paper but...
2) Children. Society, within which marriage is defined, exists to perpetuate itself, so kids are required for a perfect marriage. Again, a marriage can still be awesome without children but not perfect. This is a common theme in my investigation of what comprises a perfect marriage; marriages can still be of the highest caliber without one of the ingredients but they aren’t “perfect.” Same sex couples with adopted children may have almost perfect marriages but the genes they pass on are not their own. A perfect marriage leaves a genetic legacy.
3) Kids turned out good, so they still want to be around their parents and visa versa. Kids in jail, etc., take the tarnish off of perfect.
4) Mother raises children and has a career, though the career is limited by the responsibility of motherhood. Similarly, the husband must have a good career.
5) The couple must experience a period of wealth, at least enough to be flexible, without financial worry, and the ability to pursue their goals, and other experiences, such as worldwide travel.
6) A perfect marriage loves their home, and that home reflects positively to the outside world. Living in a trailer park may be fine for you but other people won’t accept it as perfect.
7) Some things are out of the control of a couple, health being the most important, but good health, especially mental health, is required for a perfect marriage. 60% of all women over 40 are on some kind of psych medication, so health is a toughie.
8) Of course, never hit one another or threaten to leave. Certainly never split up.
9) No affairs, unless some kind of consensual agreement is reached.
10) Active sex life. Sex is one of the greatest enjoyments in life and should not be rationed, because opportunity lost can never be regained; 2 Thursday’s a month after a night out does not a perfect marriage make.

After I laid out my Perfect Marriage checklist to my wife, I asked, “what’s not perfect about our marriage?”
She thought I had made my case but she did add a few items:
Have at least one fancy car
Build a house
Spoil grandchildren
Visit your own parents
Put up holiday decorations
Retire together
Little jealousy
Honesty
No secrets
Both partners satisfied with the other.
A casual comfort with each other
Can watch movies together and discuss them even if they disagree.

Congrats on your marriage Martin! It sounds like your marital situation is better than that of most Americans. Keep your marriage perfect by steering your wife away from this fucked up depraved forum.

[Martin Hash]

Actually, I’m doing a new chapter to my philosophy book and I thought I’d run this past the forum to get ideas.

[C-Mag]

Good List, not a lot of critique, but you missed a big one.

Shared Goals

In a perfect marriage both people need to be actively working toward shared goals. Well raised kids is a good example, if you want to build a house is another. If both you want to build a new house, but only one of you is doing all the lifting it won't work.

[Haumana]

and that home reflects positively to the outside world.

Huh? Living up to the ideals of others is what drives your marriage? That sounds a bit shallow. You maintain your lawn because of your neighbors' expectations of you?

[C-Mag]

and that home reflects positively to the outside world.

Huh? Living up to the ideals of others is what drives your marriage? That sounds a bit shallow. You maintain your lawn because of your neighbors' expectations of you?

I didn't take it that way.
To me it's about taking care of what you have, improving the world around you and showing pride in what you've earned.

[Haumana]

and that home reflects positively to the outside world.

Huh? Living up to the ideals of others is what drives your marriage? That sounds a bit shallow. You maintain your lawn because of your neighbors' expectations of you?

I didn't take it that way.
To me it's about taking care of what you have, improving the world around you and showing pride in what you've earned.

Fair enough. I guess I should have included this portion as well, "Living in a trailer park may be fine for you but other people won’t accept it as perfect."

Who really cares what other people will accept as perfect? That doesn't necessarily make it so. There are plenty that would see living on a farm as far less than perfect, just as many who would see living in a mansion with a maze as less than perfect, etc. It ain't about impressing the Jones' in any endeavor including assessing one's marriage.

[MilSpecs]

There is no such thing as perfection in human beings, but I would say the hallmark of a successful marriage is that you’re a better person as a result of having your spouse as your spouse. And there’s no listmaking in this one, Martin, it really is all about the feelz.

[TheReal_ND]

Keep your marriage perfect by steering your wife away from this fucked up depraved forum.

Hey you're the one that told me to choke you.

[GloryofGreece]

Marriage is a union before God and Family. It is primarily about helping raise children, but it can also be about helping each other be better people overall and reach your psychological and spiritual goals.