Selfishness vs Selflessness

[SuburbanFarmer]

The “selfless” Cinderella’s tend to come in 2 flavors, in my experience. Either she’s actually giving too much of herself, and allowing others to grind her down, or she thinks she is, and actually is just being passive-aggressive about it.

Most women are the latter. The former are much easier to deal with. Don’t assume that it’s all your fault, Doc. This is often used as a power play by females. Stand your ground, if she doesn’t reciprocate a gesture of change.

Oh she's definitely the former...

And no it's not all my fault.

But I am accountable for my actions in the relationship... and my actions were egregious.

So I'm taking responsibility for my end of the problem...

And the really cool thing is, that she is too... (taking responsibility for her end)

It's been a really good month for us...

So let's see how 8 days in the wilderness works out.... cuz why not go all in.

That's fantastic, man. A woman that can admit fault is a rare and valuable find.
I'm sure the vacation will be great for you guys.

[TheReal_ND]

Glad to hear you are patching it up. I am no fan of the divorce rates in modern Western society. Believe me, I know first hand the pain. I don't miss that bitch at all but I miss my son every day. Your kids are grown no? Either way, it's better to stick it out if you guys are willing to work it out. But by stick it out I mean keep your dick in your pants. Or her. One of those two things only.

[Speaker to Animals]

The “selfless” Cinderella’s tend to come in 2 flavors, in my experience. Either she’s actually giving too much of herself, and allowing others to grind her down, or she thinks she is, and actually is just being passive-aggressive about it.

Most women are the latter. The former are much easier to deal with. Don’t assume that it’s all your fault, Doc. This is often used as a power play by females. Stand your ground, if she doesn’t reciprocate a gesture of change.

Oh she's definitely the former...

And no it's not all my fault.

But I am accountable for my actions in the relationship... and my actions were egregious.

So I'm taking responsibility for my end of the problem...

And the really cool thing is, that she is too... (taking responsibility for her end)

It's been a really good month for us...

So let's see how 8 days in the wilderness works out.... cuz why not go all in.

That's fantastic, man. A woman that can admit fault is a rare and valuable find.
I'm sure the vacation will be great for you guys.

Admit fault in causing him to cheat on her?

Is this bizarro world day? Usually society blames the man for his unfaithful wife, not the other way around. Having been on the other side of that deal, I can tell you that society making the cheater out as a victim and expecting the actual victim to "admit responsibility" for what the cheater did is a little difficult to process. DrY owned his actions and is doing what it takes to make this right, or the closest to right he can make it. He made this mistake and is now dealing with it like a man. He has agency, always did, and he is using it correctly now.

[DrYouth]

Admit fault in causing him to cheat on her?

Is this bizarro world day? Usually society blames the man for his unfaithful wife, not the other way around. Having been on the other side of that deal, I can tell you that society making the cheater out as a victim and expecting the actual victim to "admit responsibility" for what the cheater did is a little difficult to process.

This is what I have repeatedly run into. I have only talked to a few people about my situation.... but repeatedly I found myself having to insist that my wife was not to blame. People seem to automatically cast me as the victim... It’s kind of crazy making.

My wife tells me that the main reason she didn’t leave me at first is that she knew I would come away as a good guy... her family is so shitty they wouldn’t really support her and my family so obviously ready to take my side. My reputation in town she figured was untouchable...

When I finally owned up at first she was prepared to leave because she finally had some validation.... luckily I convinced her she shouldn’t... now I have to be the person she will be glad she stayed with... no easy feat.

[DBTrek]

It’s just another random indicator of how dumb the average human actually is.
/shrug

Or maybe there’s some social component to always sympathizing with whomever you’re talking to that I simply missed out on.

[Speaker to Animals]

Admit fault in causing him to cheat on her?

Is this bizarro world day? Usually society blames the man for his unfaithful wife, not the other way around. Having been on the other side of that deal, I can tell you that society making the cheater out as a victim and expecting the actual victim to "admit responsibility" for what the cheater did is a little difficult to process.

This is what I have repeatedly run into. I have only talked to a few people about my situation.... but repeatedly I found myself having to insist that my wife was not to blame. People seem to automatically cast me as the victim... It’s kind of crazy making.

My wife tells me that the main reason she didn’t leave me at first is that she knew I would come away as a good guy... her family is so shitty they wouldn’t really support her and my family so obviously ready to take my side. My reputation in town she figured was untouchable...

When I finally owned up at first she was prepared to leave because she finally had some validation.... luckily I convinced her she shouldn’t... now I have to be the person she will be glad she stayed with... no easy feat.

You seem to be doing the right things.

Don't let people give you that slack. Not that I am anything remotely like Mr. Relationship Advice or anything, but if I were in your shoes I would not let her think I would ever abuse people's misplaced courtesy.

[SuburbanFarmer]

First I’ve heard of any cheating. I assumed it was simply about housework and the usual stresses.

Still, I’ll maintain that it’s a damn good woman that is willing to admit some fault, and stick it out.

[DrYouth]

First I’ve heard of any cheating. I assumed it was simply about housework and the usual stresses.

Still, I’ll maintain that it’s a damn good woman that is willing to admit some fault, and stick it out.

The woman is faultless...
That’s not the same thing as perfect.
No one is perfect....
There is an important difference here.
She takes responsibility for her own actions... she always did.
She’s learning not to take responsibility for mine.

[DrYouth]

Or maybe there’s some social component to always sympathizing with whomever you’re talking to that I simply missed out on.

Don’t go changing!

[DBTrek]

Or maybe there’s some social component to always sympathizing with whomever you’re talking to that I simply missed out on.

Don’t go changing!

I can only observe from my own experiences that real friends hold you accountable. I’ve had times where friends have called out something I’ve done and it was really embarrassing - but I needed it. They weren’t trying to be cruel, they were just calling my own blind spots to my attention so I would stop doing what I was doing. Sure, in the short term I was like “WTF, why would you call me out like that?” - but given time to reflect I realized that they did me a tremendous favor by forcing me to focus on my own shortcomings.

Not to mention their call-outs allowed me to rectify behaviors that I might well have continued indefinitely, completely oblivious to how they were being perceived by others. Those are good friends, valuable ones. At least in my experience.