Stand-Up Comedy

User avatar
Martin Hash
Smitty
Posts: 9945
Joined: Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:02 pm

Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Martin Hash » Tue Feb 11, 2020 6:35 pm

My friend of 40 years, Curt Butler, and I both think we’re funny, and we’d decided to take a Stand-up comedy class together. I anticipated it greatly, but it was in Portland, Oregon, which is a warning sign. The instruction consisted of seven 3-hour sessions from a part-time young comedian who taught Spanish during the day. It was supposed to be equal parts theory & practical, and was held in the Helium Comedy Club. The plan was for each of us to develop a 3-minute bit then, at the end, to perform them at the club on Open-mic night.

Helium Outside s.JPG

It started with the instructor using her power over us to deliver a couple anti-Trump comments where she assumed everyone was anti-Trump. She explained how we were all privileged, and must be sensitive of audience's sensibilities; and not to be offensive. Unless it was about Trump, I guess?

A blond, overweight gal: “I’m the only one here with a divorced husband and a wife. She’s a verified Blue Checkmark; she’s a Portland journalist. We’re a power-couple,” she said without prompting. This was not part of her routine; it was when we first went around the circle of students introducing ourselves. During the introductions, another one of the women told everyone, “I’m not here to tell jokes; I’m here to talk about feminism; I love you all.”

Helium Stage.JPG

The instructor, who I think is non-White but who am I to say, announced each of the students as they came onstage; it was a nice touch. The first guy fumbled with the mic-stand for half a minute before: “I’ve been here 5 times but I was kicked out twice,” he told us. Probably due to his jokes.

There was one student who I'd identified early as having faulty wiring. He met my expectations admirably: “I like that movie, 'The Martian,' with Matt Damon. He ate shitty potatoes: he ate potatoes then he shit them out and used the shit as fertilizer on more potatoes, which he ate; he ate shitty potatoes.” That was his joke.

Another guy, handsome and seemingly with it, was announced at the mic: “Hi,” he said, and introduced himself. “I’m 43 years old and have a 22 year old daughter, but she doesn’t talk to me.” After which he used most of his time telling us how sad he was about his strained father-daughter relationship. I kept waiting for the joke. Finally, he said, “Maybe I should tell a joke.” I didn’t even hear the joke; Curt had to tell me later.

15 budding comics, 4 of which, including my friend, Curt, are not totally embarrassing. I won’t be going again; there’s got to be a Plan B.

Open Mic s.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.

User avatar
Montegriffo
Nuke
Posts: 17647
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:14 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Montegriffo » Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:08 pm

Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?
For legal reasons, we are not threatening to destroy U.S. government property with our glorious medieval siege engine. But if we wanted to, we could. But we won’t. But we could.
Image

User avatar
Haumana
daralon
Posts: 1926
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 9:48 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Haumana » Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:10 pm

It seems a bit late for the Plan B for most of them. I suggest hanging instead.

User avatar
Martin Hash
Smitty
Posts: 9945
Joined: Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:02 pm

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Martin Hash » Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:28 pm

Montegriffo wrote:
Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:08 pm
Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?
Here's my 3 minutes:

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”

Normally, when you hear your name announced over the loudspeaker, that's usually bad.

I'm looking for work; have been for so long that I’m flattered when people tell me to not give up my day job because they’ve assumed I have one.

We never spanked our children but we did have a taser. Never had to use it but I did demonstrate it a lot. After a while I could just click my tongue.

I applied to be a department store Santa but I don't think I got the job because of something I said: all I asked was how I should dress?

I always wonder when I'm going to die because I don't wear a watch.

I thought I’d be an Uber driver so I tried to sign up. They wanted to know if I had any experience? Hell yeah, I’ve ridden in an Uber a bunch a times. But it turns out you have to have a car. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to take Uber, would I?

I thought I qualified for one of those reality tv shows; I’m an unattractive woman.

I don’t waste money on recycling bins because my neighbor already has some so I put my jars & cardboard in theirs. Let’s be honest, they’re usually pretty empty. That’s got to be embarrassing; the guys who pick up recycling can’t help but judge you for your lack of recyclability. My neighbors should probably buy stuff with a lot of packaging just to fill the bins, and they should be thankful I’m protecting their reputation.

You knew it was only a matter of time before someone registered some bees as their Emotional Support Animal. That makes me feel better about my Emotional Support fleas. I take them everywhere. Are you feeling a bit itchy? I'm sorry I didn't bring my Emotional Support rooster instead.

I may be old, White and male but that makes me invisible. I just stand real still and it's like: “Where’d he go?”

My son works in construction. Works hard every day doing heavy stuff; arms like tree trunks. Got them from my wife.

Being a guy, you got to come to an epiphany: all you really own is your dick and your imagination, and sometimes you don't have enough imagination to use your dick.

Everybody's got an opinion & an asshole, and I'll let you tell me which is the most useful.

User avatar
Xenophon
daralon
Posts: 1284
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 6:41 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Xenophon » Fri Feb 14, 2020 1:35 pm

Martin Hash wrote:
Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:28 pm
Montegriffo wrote:
Tue Feb 11, 2020 7:08 pm
Brave thing to do Martin.
What was your best joke?
Here's my 3 minutes:

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”

Normally, when you hear your name announced over the loudspeaker, that's usually bad.

I'm looking for work; have been for so long that I’m flattered when people tell me to not give up my day job because they’ve assumed I have one.

We never spanked our children but we did have a taser. Never had to use it but I did demonstrate it a lot. After a while I could just click my tongue.

I applied to be a department store Santa but I don't think I got the job because of something I said: all I asked was how I should dress?

I always wonder when I'm going to die because I don't wear a watch.

I thought I’d be an Uber driver so I tried to sign up. They wanted to know if I had any experience? Hell yeah, I’ve ridden in an Uber a bunch a times. But it turns out you have to have a car. If I had a car I wouldn’t have to take Uber, would I?

I thought I qualified for one of those reality tv shows; I’m an unattractive woman.

I don’t waste money on recycling bins because my neighbor already has some so I put my jars & cardboard in theirs. Let’s be honest, they’re usually pretty empty. That’s got to be embarrassing; the guys who pick up recycling can’t help but judge you for your lack of recyclability. My neighbors should probably buy stuff with a lot of packaging just to fill the bins, and they should be thankful I’m protecting their reputation.

You knew it was only a matter of time before someone registered some bees as their Emotional Support Animal. That makes me feel better about my Emotional Support fleas. I take them everywhere. Are you feeling a bit itchy? I'm sorry I didn't bring my Emotional Support rooster instead.

I may be old, White and male but that makes me invisible. I just stand real still and it's like: “Where’d he go?”

My son works in construction. Works hard every day doing heavy stuff; arms like tree trunks. Got them from my wife.

Being a guy, you got to come to an epiphany: all you really own is your dick and your imagination, and sometimes you don't have enough imagination to use your dick.

Everybody's got an opinion & an asshole, and I'll let you tell me which is the most useful.
I laughed.
...most of the country is going to come through this with the realization that we're being treated like children and we're being fed platitudes, bromides, and bowls of warm milk by people who want us to look at them as parents - Mike Rowe

User avatar
Speaker to Animals
Speaker
Posts: 38497
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 5:59 pm

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Speaker to Animals » Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:01 pm

Here's what Bill Cosby must have been thinking: “What do I need to do to be more famous?”
I lol'd at that one.

User avatar
Montegriffo
Nuke
Posts: 17647
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:14 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Montegriffo » Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:08 pm

I thought ''After a while, I could just click my tongue'' was the best line.
For legal reasons, we are not threatening to destroy U.S. government property with our glorious medieval siege engine. But if we wanted to, we could. But we won’t. But we could.
Image

User avatar
Montegriffo
Nuke
Posts: 17647
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:14 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Montegriffo » Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:14 pm

I'd pay good money to see Heydaralon do ten minutes stand up. His sense of humour is both wicked and surreal.
For legal reasons, we are not threatening to destroy U.S. government property with our glorious medieval siege engine. But if we wanted to, we could. But we won’t. But we could.
Image

User avatar
Xenophon
daralon
Posts: 1284
Joined: Wed Nov 30, 2016 6:41 am

Re: Stand-Up Comedy

Post by Xenophon » Mon Feb 17, 2020 7:48 am

Montegriffo wrote:
Fri Feb 14, 2020 2:14 pm
I'd pay good money to see Heydaralon do ten minutes stand up. His sense of humour is both wicked and surreal.
Second'd. Dude has me laughing all the time.
...most of the country is going to come through this with the realization that we're being treated like children and we're being fed platitudes, bromides, and bowls of warm milk by people who want us to look at them as parents - Mike Rowe