President for Life

[Viktorthepirate]

You’ve assessed the situation correctly. The number of times I’ve heard a complainer say “Wages are shit and it’s time for someone to take action. I have bills to pay, and no one around here is hiring. How am I supposed to magically pull myself up by my bootstraps ... and don’t give me any of that move to a better city bullshit!”

Aka - I want Silicon Valley wages for my work here in Kentucky, and since I can’t have that the government should do something.

My wages in Marquette, MI and St. Petersburg, FL, were terrible. In Seattle, they’re pretty good.

Tell me about it. I was in paradise when I lived in Austin, fucking paradise. But I went to Milwaukee and now St Louis for the money. St Louis isn't bad but it's not even close to Austin. And I fucking hated Milwaukee. But I made those choices for the money, simple as that.

[DrYouth]

I'm worried about exactly what you said. It's been 7 years and I think we had a legit fight... 4 times maybe? So she accepts me for who I am... right now. She is frequently subordinating her desires to mine. I worry she does this because she doesn't want to lose me, not because it makes her happy.

But I think she feels ill magically change after marriage.

It is a great thing, I'd keep it going forever if I could. But she is asking about marriage more and more. And it hurts her feelings when I express reservations. Not an angry hurt feelings, legitimate sadness.

This current arrangement will not carry on forever.

She is subordinating her desires to you for exactly that reason...
And she hopes marriage will change that.
But she won't keep this up forever... resentment is building... which is natural.

So you face a choice.
Let her go...
Or change and start to allow her desires to enter the equation... encourage them to.
This won't be easy or smooth... but it might become a mature relationship... a realistic one.

If you don't plan on going down that road... then by all means don't even consider marriage...
It will become the nightmare you fear.

[SuburbanFarmer]

I don't mind if she takes all my "stuff". I can get new stuff.

I don't want to have to come out of retirement because she took everything AND I owe alimony. It's literal slavery. Losing stuff sucks, but it's the slavery I can't abide.

It is funny you said that. The deal with my president is that I'm taking my money and I'm gone after 5 years to some tropical locale. I describe it like that office space scene, ask yourself what you would do if you were retired, and you'll know what career you should have. My answer is nothing ha ha. I am killing myself working ridiculous hours and constantly traveling (LA, Seattle, Reno, Detroit just next week) so that I never need to work again. Work hard now so I don't later.

What my president said is similar to your advice. He said: "I believe that you believe you will retire".

He insists I won't be able to do nothing, He wants me to stick around for phase 2. I obviously beg to differ, and want to be drinking beer on a beach without a care in the world. It's what I've always wanted.

Bringing it back to marriage, I lose all my hopes and dreams in one divorce. Everything I've worked and sacrificed for isn't just gone, it's stolen, someone else benefits from all that and I'm broke. I'd rather kill myself.

Again, she's a wonderful woman, always been there for me, loves me unconditionally even though I'm a jerk, and gone all the time. I love her.

It sounds like you've got a keeper then.

Just a word about the drinking on the beach thing - being from Florida, I saw a million of those. Trust me, you don't want that as a lifestyle, burned out, fat, waiting to die in a tiki bar. It sounds more like you need a month off, to travel. Go see the world, or just drink yourself silly on a beach. But don't try to make a life of that, it's miserable.

You think so? Its what everyone says. Happiest days of my life were in PH and DR. I never wanted to leave, even after a month.

A month is different than forever, but I can't help but think I'm just different than most people.

It ain't pretty, after a few years. You could probably use more vacation time than most, just don't stay there.

I can only speak to Floridians though. If you've got enough money, and want to be a hermit, you could probably do well in the Caribbean.

[SuburbanFarmer]

I'm worried about exactly what you said. It's been 7 years and I think we had a legit fight... 4 times maybe? So she accepts me for who I am... right now. She is frequently subordinating her desires to mine. I worry she does this because she doesn't want to lose me, not because it makes her happy.

But I think she feels ill magically change after marriage.

It is a great thing, I'd keep it going forever if I could. But she is asking about marriage more and more. And it hurts her feelings when I express reservations. Not an angry hurt feelings, legitimate sadness.

This current arrangement will not carry on forever.

She is subordinating her desires to you for exactly that reason...
And she hopes marriage will change that.
But she won't keep this up forever... resentment is building... which is natural.

So you face a choice.
Let her go...
Or change and start to allow her desires to enter the equation... encourage them to.
This won't be easy or smooth... but it might become a mature relationship... a realistic one.

If you don't plan on going down that road... then by all means don't even consider marriage...
It will become the nightmare you fear.

Kinda surprised you wouldn't advocate laying all cards on the table first, Doc. Tell her straight that it wouldn't change your work life, and ask what her expectations are, etc?

Or are you being more realistic, and expecting that she'd lie her face off for the ring?

[DPM17]

I'm worried about exactly what you said. It's been 7 years and I think we had a legit fight... 4 times maybe? So she accepts me for who I am... right now. She is frequently subordinating her desires to mine. I worry she does this because she doesn't want to lose me, not because it makes her happy.

But I think she feels ill magically change after marriage.

It is a great thing, I'd keep it going forever if I could. But she is asking about marriage more and more. And it hurts her feelings when I express reservations. Not an angry hurt feelings, legitimate sadness.

This current arrangement will not carry on forever.

She is subordinating her desires to you for exactly that reason...
And she hopes marriage will change that.
But she won't keep this up forever... resentment is building... which is natural.

So you face a choice.
Let her go...
Or change and start to allow her desires to enter the equation... encourage them to.
This won't be easy or smooth... but it might become a mature relationship... a realistic one.

If you don't plan on going down that road... then by all means don't even consider marriage...
It will become the nightmare you fear.

Kinda surprised you wouldn't advocate laying all cards on the table first, Doc. Tell her straight that it wouldn't change your work life, and ask what her expectations are, etc?

Or are you being more realistic, and expecting that she'd lie her face off for the ring?

If she's gotten into the habit of suppressing her needs to accommodate him, then the behavior pattern and dynamic would suggest that she would lie even if she actually felt differently. In her mind a crumb of what she really wants is better than risking blowing the whole thing up by being forthright with her desires and needs. Weirdly, it seems to work the opposite way. The more forthright and demanding you are of your partner, the better partner they tend to be. People get away with whatever they can, especially in relationships, and if she's gotten into the pattern of not calling that out then it will continue... until one day her return of the repressed cuts his dick off. I was in a seven year relationship that ended in the past couple years where I was the one getting away with murder. I'm lucky I made it out mostly intact.

[DrYouth]

It's great to have you participating in the forum DPM...

We haven't crossed paths for a while.

Have you been away or have we been on different shifts?

I seem to remember exchanging psych nerd notes in the past... am I right?

[DrYouth]

I was in a seven year relationship that ended in the past couple years where I was the one getting away with murder. I'm lucky I made it out mostly intact.

Yep...

Getting away with murder is a racket that only lasts so long.

I know this from experience myself.

[Martin Hash]

There's some people here who need to schedule a "counseling" appointment with me.

p.s. 7-year relationships that go nowhere?! Jesus, guys.

[DrYouth]

There's some people here who need to schedule a "counseling" appointment with me.

Do you actually have a counselling practice Marty?
What other active practices do you have... Law, Engineering, collecting stuff, rental management?

[DPM17]

It's great to have you participating in the forum DPM...

We haven't crossed paths for a while.

Have you been away or have we been on different shifts?

I seem to remember exchanging psych nerd notes in the past... am I right?

Hey Doc!
Yeah I certainly got a lot out of our conversations in the past, I'm happy to be back. I was going through a rough patch around the time of the long march from DCF to MHF and just kind of fell off. The seven year relationship ended a bit before that. But now I'm back on the horse, getting married to a Canadian at the end of the month, and remembered the unique perspective served up exclusively in this land of misfit toys... So here I be.