An Economic Theory on the Collapse of the Soviet Union

[katarn]

Some people ask what shape the earth is, as though it's actually a question. Flat earthers are just plain stupid, but sphere earthers are also behind the times.

To be sure, the earth used to be roughly spherical, but that changed in the late eighties and early nineties. You see, the lunar missions had found alien outposts on the dark side of the moon, and in the mid eighties a group of those aliens approached the UN offering to buy the planet.

And since there was never a politician who wasn't in it for themselves, and because a secret deal would make them all rich AND absolve them of responsibility but not authority from the people, they sold it, not even bothering to ask why the aliens wanted the planet.

Some people might assume the aliens wanted resources, or labor slaves, but they didn't. The only real reason the deal was secret was because humans are a bit like pets or your favorite lab rats to such an advanced and intelligent alien species.

Anyway, they spent a little bit of time in R&D, but then they put their plan into motion. You see, this particular species had a crisis with its children, who were quite hard to entertain and quite annoying when bored. So, what better way was there to alleviate their boredom than with a planet sized toy?

And terraforming began. The flat earthers are right about pretty much one thing only, which is that Australia doesn't exist. It sure used to though, but sacrifices have to be made for the kids. The land of the Earth was fit to the mold, which left one unfortunate problem-- the Soviet Union was right along one of the fault lines, which meant it too had to suffer. So, by this point time had moved on a little bit and it was 1991, and the construction moved to Russia. The collapse of the Soviet Union was not political; it was not fundamentally economical; it was quite literally a physical collapse as the country was made victim to the alien's plans.

And then it was complete. The Earth was no longer a sphere, and the alien children would long be satisfied. For the Earth was a fidget spinner.

[Hanarchy Montanarchy]

Typical low-info sheeple talk.

The lunar missions didn't discover the alien moon bases. Those were confirmed by the astral projections of one Ingo Swan under the direction of a g-man known as 'Axlerod,' who had previous knowledge of them from satellite observations.

It's all on the History Channel bruh.

[Martin Hash]

Orange man bad.

[katarn]

Of course, to preserve the state of humanity, the aliens had to compensate for the variations in rotation as a sphere and rotation as a fidget spinner, so along with the drives powering the fidget spinner's continued spinning, they built gravity dampeners for the planet to balance out the centrifugal force of the spinner. More on this relationship later.

Now, the people of Russia didn't all die in the terraforming, the ones that lived just ended up with the people from other areas of Earth that ended up on the bottom of the spinner, like most of Asia and some of South America. And being directly in the path of the transformation, the Russians were exposed to a variety of chemicals foreign to humans that had a drastic effect in just a generation, giving those Russian survivors a unique appearance.

The flat earthers were right about another thing-- when you try to travel past the edge of the fidget spinner plane you're on, the aliens have warp pads set up to stop you from realizing you aren't actually going where you want. They had to do this because of the Russian's changed appearance since anyone seeing them would realize something was up, and as we already established the aliens want their role to be secret.

Of course, this does mean it takes quite a while to fly around the Earth in space to visit the other side, which the small population of aliens monitoring Earth have to do quite frequently, so they used an old Earth superstition and made it a reality. All this time, I bet you, the reader, never thought about where the spinner was centered. Well, the very center of the spinner is like a doughnut hole to allow the aliens to travel to the other side faster, and it's centered at the Bermuda Triangle.

What that project shows, though, is that your first grade teacher (if you were in school after the terraforming) lied to you about one thing. You absolutely CAN dig a hole to China. It's only a few miles to the other side. Of course, if you try the aliens will be all over you.

A few Russian survivors did manage to complete a hole to our side, however, and they had to go underground because they look different, but they still haven't stopped trying to alert the world around them to what's really going on. The aliens responded to the Russian tactics in a brilliant way: unable to stop the small group, they branded them a dark agency in the shadows, out for themselves and for power, which is still how we think of them. Everyone knows this group, just not the truth about them. About the Russian lizardmen that make up the Illuminati.