Joke thread

[Okeefenokee]

One day an old man is sitting on his porch, and a bunch of boys walk by carrying chicken wire. The old mans asks what they're doing with that chicken wire, and the boys say they're going to go catch some chickens. The old man tells them they aren't gonna catch any chickens with chicken wire, but a few hours later the boys walk by carrying a bunch of chickens.

The next day the boys walk by carrying duck tape. The old man asks what they're doing with that duck tape, and the boys say they're going to go catch some ducks. The old man tells them they aren't gonna catch any ducks with duck tape, but a few hours later the by walk by carrying a bunch of ducks.

The next day the boys walk by carrying a bunch of pussy willow, and the old man says, "let me get my hat."

[Okeefenokee]

Why does Britain like tea so much?









Because tea leaves.

[Kazmyr]

Johnny's playing video games over at Timmy's house. While they're playing, Timmy's mom walks by. Timmy says, "Mom, I have a question. How old are you?"

Timmy's mom replies, "Timmy you should never, ever ask a woman that question. Go back to your video games."

Timmy shrugs and keeps playing. An hour later, he asks his mom, "Mom, how much do you weigh?"

Timmy's mom, now getting frustrated replies, "That's another question you never ask a woman."

Another hour goes by and Johnny and Timmy are in the kitchen getting a snack. Timmy blurts out, "Mom, why are you and dad getting divorced?"

Timmy's mom, sick of his questions says, "That's none of your business. You two, outside. NOW!"

Outside, Johnny tells Timmy, "You know, you can find out that information on your mom's driver's license. It lists all kinds of stuff on it."

The next day Timmy tells his mom, "So Mom, those questions you didn't want to answer? I figured em out."

She says, "Oh?"

He replies, "Yeah. You weigh 130 pounds. You're 41 years old. And Dad's leaving you because you got an F in sex."

[Okeefenokee]

and you were on such a roll.

[Kazmyr]

Hey... hey.... it said 'Joke Thread,' I didn't see anything about 'Good Joke Thread.'

I'm lucky I haven't subconsciously started putting down the nursery rhymes or books I got going on while trying to post tonight.

[de officiis]

Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

Let it down slowly.

I'll get your toast out.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

I can do that with my eyes closed.

I've done this before.

[Okeefenokee]

Hold my beer.

[Fife]

This Vader shot from the Dept. of Corn is for you DB, wherever you are....

[C-Mag]

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless,
and I donate money to the topless!


~ Dangerfield

[TheReal_ND]

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"
This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."
The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"
This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.
This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."
This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"