So my wife and daughter are having it out.

[Ex-California]

I might move away when my daughter is a teenager

[Speaker to Animals]

Put everything in bitcoin and escape to Costa Rica.

[DrYouth]

I might move away when my daughter is a teenager

That was a stunning shit show...
Seems like it had to come to a head before back to school.

To be honest I wasn't sure who I would need to hospitalize.

Probably my wife was closer to the edge... but it was a toss up.

Anyways... the girl is off to school, the wife has calmed down... and my boy is in his grad year and seems to have survived the bush party he went to last night.

Let's hope the worst is over.... I'm running out of Xanax samples... JK (I have plenty left) (JK)

[brewster]

This kind of conflict is not inevitable. Your wife obviously is channeling her own parents in trying to control your daughter. My wife was like her, toadying to her controlling mother, while her younger brother was in constant conflict and moved out to live with his father for high school. But my wife, being the sanest person I've ever met, did not channel her mother and our kids never found a reason to rebel. It helped that their HS was mostly ambitious, high achieving kids of immigrants who are WAY stricter parents than the American born. They appreciated how chill we are.

[DrYouth]

This kind of conflict is not inevitable. Your wife obviously is channeling her own parents in trying to control your daughter.

It's totally the opposite...
My wife has given my daughter what my wife's parents never gave her.
.... and now our daughter has someone to rebel against... something my wife never had.

What my daughter is doing is absolutely normal... but it doesn't feel normal to my wife.

[brewster]

I'm confused. You said this:

My daughter is almost 15 and she is going through her "attitude" phase. My wife never went through an attitude phase as a teenager, because her parents were too authoritarian and she tried to please them.

So how can your wife never have had anyone to rebel against? She chose compliance with their control. Sounds hard to believe the girl is rebelling against nothing. It's really hard not to channel your parents parenting, it usually takes active, conscious effort. Me, my parents were so bad I took a somewhat passive role and let my wife lead since I didn't trust my "instincts". Not everyone can be trusted with this, but I believe I mentioned my wife is sane.

[DrYouth]

I'm confused. You said this:

My daughter is almost 15 and she is going through her "attitude" phase. My wife never went through an attitude phase as a teenager, because her parents were too authoritarian and she tried to please them.

So how can your wife never have had anyone to rebel against?

My wife's parents didn't try to include themselves in her life. My wife was largely neglected.
They weren't controlling... but neglect can lead to a strong desire to please in the child... and she wanted to please them.
They gave her commands and she automatically followed them.
Authority build on base of neglect leaves you with no strength to muster up rebellion.

Our daughter has been given a lot of love and attention....
Naturally she doesn't want to automatically comply.
She also needs space from her mother who hovers around her...
My wife wants to have the relationship she never had with her own mother... but of course my daughter doesn't want to fulfill this fantasy.
Of course she is going to rebel.

And my wife can't understand it.
But I can.

[brewster]

Our daughter has been given a lot of love and attention....
Naturally she doesn't want to automatically comply.
She also needs space from her mother who hovers around her...
My wife wants to have the relationship she never had with her own mother... but of course my daughter doesn't want to fulfill this fantasy.
Of course she is going to rebel.

And my wife can't understand it.
But I can.

There it is! Yeah, hovering gets old fast. Our kids didn't even take the all the freedom we offered, and never rebelled. But we gave lots a rope. When my son was 15 he and his buddy took a 5 day backpacking trip alone in the Catskills. People thought we were nuts, but we trusted his good judgement. Currently he's 20 and people are literally putting their lives in his hands as a glacier ice climbing guide in Alaska. Hovered kids don't learn self reliance.

Crazy idea, and I don't know if it's even an option where you are, but there's now female BSA troops. My daughter will be joining one this year even though she's a senior. BSA gives teens experience with self reliance and handling authority themselves that you find few places in our society. My shy daughter has been a counselor at a BSA camp now for 2 years following in her Eagle Scout brother's footsteps, it's been a tremendous experience for her in gaining confidence in herself, handling independence, and dealing with people. The camp runs on kids 15-18, there's few adults over 21, these teens rise to the occasion in an environment where no one is pulling their strings. Maybe your kid is too "girly girl" for this, but think about it.

[DrYouth]

There it is! Yeah, hovering gets old fast. Our kids didn't even take the all the freedom we offered, and never rebelled. But we gave lots a rope. When my son was 15 he and his buddy took a 5 day backpacking trip alone in the Catskills. People thought we were nuts, but we trusted his good judgement. Currently he's 20 and people are literally putting their lives in his hands as a glacier ice climbing guide in Alaska. Hovered kids don't learn self reliance.

Crazy idea, and I don't know if it's even an option where you are, but there's now female BSA troops. My daughter will be joining one this year even though she's a senior. BSA gives teens experience with self reliance and handling authority themselves that you find few places in our society. My shy daughter has been a counselor at a BSA camp now for 2 years following in her Eagle Scout brother's footsteps, it's been a tremendous experience for her in gaining confidence in herself, handling independence, and dealing with people. The camp runs on kids 15-18, there's few adults over 21, these teens rise to the occasion in an environment where no one is pulling their strings. Maybe your kid is too "girly girl" for this, but think about it.

I'm not worried about my daughter, She's a smart girl and a hard worker. She is 14 and she put together her own resume and had me give her a practice interview.
She's a bit head strong... but even that will serve her well.

My wife will be fine also... My daughter is starting grade 10 this year... I'm guessing this will be a hard year, but she'll mature and get easier before the year is out.

[brewster]

I'm not worried about my daughter, She's a smart girl and a hard worker. She is 14 and she put together her own resume and had me give her a practice interview.
She's a bit head strong... but even that will serve her well.

My wife will be fine also... My daughter is starting grade 10 this year... I'm guessing this will be a hard year, but she'll mature and get easier before the year is out.

Well good luck, I hope they work it out. She'll be out of the house before you know it. I can't believe we have only like 10 more months before an empty nest. The girl might boomerang eventually but my son would live in a cave before he lived in a city again.