StCapps Not Even Allowed To Start Threads Anymore

[K@th]

KRYSTAL.
IS.
A.
HOT.
BITCH.

She’s got Kelly Kapoor’s personality in Kelly LeBrock’s body. The idea that she was created by two teenage boys with a computer program and an ’80s fitness Barbie is not far-fetched at this point. Never before have I seen someone who was so sure of their cleverness and been so completely wrong. Other people’s emotions confuse and infuriate her. She’s such a terrific reality-TV villain that I expect her to be offered a position in Trump’s Cabinet any minute as the secretary of Just Feeling So Attacked Right Now.


Let’s be real: Is there anything else worth discussing here other than Krystal’s manipulations and meltdowns? Let’s try to touch on everything else so I don’t just wax poetic about Krystal and her affectations and her bathrobe. Who am I kidding? I’m still going to talk about the bathrobe.

We’re off to sexy Fort Lauderdale! It’s just like Miami, for moms! We’re about halfway through this journey and it feels like we’ve been here for months. If you told me this was episode 12, I’d believe you. The first date of the week is Chelsea. Arie shows up at the ladytestants’ hotel suite to pick her up. Chelsea is excited to show him she’s not just a mom, but to show him she’s a hot mom. They get on a yacht named Paradise. Perhaps a nod to where she’s going to end up instead of walking down the aisle with Arie? She mentions “all of the amenities” on the yacht. Are any of these women capable of talking like real people and not a tourism brochure?

While Chelsea is on her date, Maquel returns and she’s still 23 years old.

The other ladytestants gather around a telescope and try to find Chelsea and Arie on their yacht and watch them make out. Everyone gets those wires that hold your eyes open and is forced to peer upon a middle-aged, washed-up race-car driver kiss a single mom. When it comes to the evening portion of the date, Chelsea and Arie head to a vintage car warehouse. They’re not even trying to pretend that they’re eating on these dates anymore. There is no kitchen in this warehouse. None of this is up to code. Arie tells Chelsea that he’s really impressed with her because he has no other way to relate to women than by communicating how much they please him. He also says in his in-the-moment interview that he has to treat Chelsea a different way because she’s a mom. I know what he’s trying to say, but this man is so inarticulate and unable to thoughtfully express emotion, it sounds like Chelsea is an exotic animal that is easily startled. Chelsea’s sight is based on movement and that makes her different than all the other women. Chelsea talks about her previous relationship with her child’s father and says that he was an older man who was successful and he tried to mold her into what he wanted. Chelsea?

You in trouble, girl.

After a performance from Tennis Arm, Chelsea gets a rose.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and it’s a group date for Maquel, Krystal, Becca K., Bekah, Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren B., who are all heading to a bowling alley. When they arrive, Arie is doing a The Big Lebowski parody. He licks a bowling ball in a public bowling alley, which should be enough of a reason for the women to recoil, but the whole thing gets worse when you realize he’s imitating the John Turturro character. Jesus. The pedophile. If you watch The Big Lebowski, the second line spoken about Jesus is that he had to go door to door introducing himself as a registered sex offender. Not a good look for Arie right about now. Also, who is this for? Which fans of The Big Lebowski are they hoping to wrangle in with a Jesus reference? Is this supposed to impress the women in their early 20s by referencing such a cool vintage movie?

After a few warm-up rounds, Arie has the girls split up into two teams and bowl for his affection. The winners will get a cocktail party and the losers will go back to the hotel. After the team with Krystal wins, Arie suddenly changes his mind and sits all the women down and gives everyone a participation trophy.

There’s one shot of Krystal when Arie says that all the ladytestants get to go to a cocktail party and you can see the exact moment when her eyes go dark and the connections in her brain snap like so many rubber bands. This will not stand. This causes Krystal to lose her damn mind. She can’t believe that Arie would go back on his word like this. They all head back to the hotel to change for the cocktail party and Krystal just storms around in her bra, while all the women say in their in-the-moment interviews that Krystal was ranting and raving that Arie was a liar. All the other ladytestants are ready to go when Krystal emerges from her room in a bathrobe. Every great diva has an iconic moment in a bathrobe and, by God, this is Krystal’s Divas Live.

She’s going to be performing all the hits: “My Stuff Is Packed” and “He Was Disrespectful” and “I’m Not (Going Downstairs).”

Everyone just wants this bitch to go home and that’s a fantastic sign of a reality villain. ABC doesn’t give a single solitary fuck because they showed her in a promo for the next episode in the middle of this episode. I, for one, welcome our new overlord.

Arie sits down at the cocktail party for the group date and says, “We’re all here,” and the ladytestants have to tell him that they’re not. I hope someone told Krystal that Arie didn’t know she was missing. Arie heads down to Krystal’s hotel room to see her and comfort her. She’s still in her bathrobe. I hope she wears that thing to the rose ceremony. Krystal tries to explain that Arie’s changing his mind is the biggest sin he could have committed. Krystal is also making the classic villain mistake in thinking that the lead has to impress her. That’s not how this works, dear. The best part of this interaction is when Arie tries to comfort her by saying, “It’s just bowling,” and Krystal goes, “You know it’s not.” It’s never just bowling, Arie.

Arie heads back up to the cocktail party and while he’s spending some time with the other ladies, Krystal puts on her eye makeup and puts on a strapless dress because she cannot be stopped. She leaves before Arie manages to see her. It’s not about him. It’s about intimidation.

Lauren B. gets the group date rose.

Tia gets the second one-on-one date and they go on a country-themed date. So far, Tia’s personality is “from the South” and “has been frogging once.” They get on a fan boat and taunt some alligators. They also hang out at some old Everglades man’s house. Again, this is a moment where my black ass would have been out of there. They head to a nautical-themed antique store with no functional kitchen and have dinner. Tia tells Arie that she’s falling in love with him. She gets the rose.

It’s time for the rose ceremony and Krystal is ready to tell everyone that she’s been having a hard week and expects them all to deal with that. First example of White Lady Emotional Manipulation: Expect everyone to do your emotional labor. She offers to take everyone aside one by one and explain herself. Second example of WLEM: Isolate the people you’re harming. She ignores everyone else’s pain by focusing on her pain. Third example of WLEM: Center yourself in every conflict. And she deflects any criticism by saying that she was hurt. Fourth example of WLEM: Weaponize your emotions to silence critics. This bitch is good.

When she sits down with Arie, she says her reaction was because her mom worked in a bowling alley. I just. Y’all. I’m done. Everything has been taken from me and I’ve got nothing left.

Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, Becca K., Jacqueline, Jenna, and Krystal get roses. Imagine being Maquel and returning just to get cut. You could have told her not to come back after her grandfather’s funeral. She could be on vacation right now.

Krystal unhinges her jaw and eats her rose.

[StCapps]

At least when I post shit Kath doesn't want to read, it's actually interesting, but that is no reason to censor anyone.

[K@th]

Happy Valentine’s Day! Just when it seemed like GQ’s dreamy Timothée Chalamet floppy-haired photo shoot won the day, awards-season-2016 crush Dev Patel has sent your heart a telegram: He’s back, set to star in Armando Iannucci’s retelling of David Copperfield. Per Variety, the project will “offer a modern take on Dickens’ title character as he navigates a chaotic world to find his elusive place within it.” (Hint: It’s here. Right here. At Vulture dot com.) Charles Dickens’s original David Copperfield followed the titular character from poverty to success as a famous author. Veep creator Iannucci will write the movie with Simon Blackwell (In the Loop). Can Iannucci’s barbs keep their acidity when they’re being delivered by Dev Patel’s impossibly lovable face? We’ll see.

SourcesVARIETY

[K@th]

Trump Announces Plan To Replace Food Stamps With New Low-Income Foraging Program
Yesterday 12:38pmSEE MORE: DONALD TRUMP

WASHINGTON—Championing the decision as a way to cut costs and still meet federally mandated nutrition requirements, President Trump announced a plan Tuesday to replace food stamps with a new low-income foraging program. “We have developed a new foraging-based plan that provides qualifying Americans with a small, reusable bag they can fill with whatever they are able to scavenge from alleys, empty lots, or nearby wooded areas,” said Trump, explaining that underprivileged participants in the program would search for food scraps anywhere they can find them, including the dumpsters behind restaurants. “We will also be providing these low-income Americans with charts that explain which rotting foods are still safe to eat, which seeds and berries can be consumed without getting sick, and how to spot insects that are high in protein. Many disadvantaged citizens don’t have access to healthy meals at home, but this program will teach them the self-reliance they need to ensure their basic requirements for sustenance continue to be met.” Trump also proposed a Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program in which Americans would receive a weekly meal service kit containing pictures of food.

[K@th]

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[K@th]

The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages.

It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words.

If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental is. The European languages are members of the same family. Their separate existence is a myth. For science, music, sport, etc, Europe uses the same vocabulary. The languages only differ in their grammar, their pronunciation and their most common words. Everyone realizes why a new common language would be desirable: one could refuse to pay expensive translators. To achieve this, it would be necessary to have uniform grammar, pronunciation and more common words. If several languages coalesce, the grammar of the resulting language is more simple and regular than that of the individual languages. The new common language will be more simple and regular than the existing European languages. It will be as simple as Occidental; in fact, it will be Occidental. To an English person, it will seem like simplified English, as a skeptical Cambridge friend of mine told me what Occidental

[K@th]

NEWS IN BRIEF
White House Now Just Holding Continuous Going-Away Party For Departing Staffers
Yesterday 5:36pmSEE MORE: POLITICS

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the frequent festivities for departing staffers more efficient, White House officials announced Tuesday that the administration is now just holding one continuous going-away party. “Instead of throwing a send-off celebration for Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn only to turn around and do it again a week later, we will now simply hold around-the-clock gatherings with light refreshments and cupcakes to honor whoever left the administration most recently,” said Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders, adding that employees may now join their coworkers at any time of day in the permanently decorated White House kitchen where a never-ending stream of staffers will announce that this is their last day, perpetually deliver farewell speeches, and constantly pass around and sign goodbye cards for continuously departing coworkers. “In order to avoid another situation like when we had three separate get-togethers in one week for Sean Spicer, Michael Short, and Reince Priebus, aides may now enjoy a cup of soda, don a party hat, reminisce over fond memories together, and say their farewells whenever it is convenient for them.” Huckabee-Sanders added that she looks forward to seeing everyone in the kitchen, where she expects to be honored shortly.

[K@th]

There are years when Kendrick Lamar doesn’t release an album, but he never takes a year off: Any listener to his music knows that, however spiritually troubled the artist is, being unable to write lyrics has not been a worry for a very long time. Kendrick’s prodigious output and his determination to craft seamless concept albums practically ensure that he’ll have plenty of extra verses; the rhymes that didn’t make the cut for his elaborate stage directions end up being, in non-album years, helpful contributions to the songs of others.

In 2013, the year after the release of his first major-label album, Kendrick appeared on a goose-bump-raising 34 tracks, chief among them “Control,” a Big Sean track Kendrick all but annexed with an extended verse in which he crowned himself the king of New York and the West Coast, declared his rhyme skills a match for Jay-Z, Nas, Eminem, and André 3000, and called out 11 of his contemporaries by threatening to kill them and steal their core audiences. While building up to To Pimp a Butterfly, the 2015 album that would confirm all the boasts, Kendrick still chipped in 15 guest appearances in 2014, a mark he would match in 2016 while also releasing an entire secondary album of leftover Butterfly footage, the superb untitled unmastered.

So far, 2018, another post-album year, shows no sign of Kendrick’s presence dimming. He’s performed for the national college football championship and at the Grammys. He’s lent his voice to every track on a Black Panther soundtrack he curated and co-produced. And now he’s resumed paying calls on other artists’ tracks. Though overshadowed by last week’s rollout of Black Panther: The Album, Kendrick has shown up on three other tracks in the space of four days: with Q-Tip on “Want U 2 Want” on Saturday, then with Cozz on “Hustla’s Story” and Nipsey Hussle on “Dedication” yesterday. Different in tone and sensibility, the trio of guest appearances showcases not only Kendrick’s ubiquity but his versatility and consideration: the artist’s encyclopedic knowledge of hip-hop’s past and present joins with a jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-all musicianship to ensure that every collaboration feels like an organic link.


As the producer and co-lyricist of A Tribe Called Quest, Q-Tip’s origins would seem to be drastically different from Kendrick’s. Not only does he hail from a different generation, but a different coast. Yet the divergence is only apparent: Both Kendrick and Tribe specialize in integrating jazz into their production, and the lyrical tone of both tends toward a streetwise pacifism whose wry perspective insulates it from cornier tendencies. It’s this unity that led to Kendrick’s appearance on “Conrad Tokyo” from Tribe’s 2016 comeback We Got It from Here … Thank You 4 Your Service as well as on “Want U 2 Want,” a groove exercise dominated by a long chorus riffing off a single rhyme where Kendrick’s coiling, lovestruck sung rhythm, charged with loose intensity, mirrors Tip’s upbeat production, striking a fine balance between tight execution and a generous spirit.

[BjornP]

Oh, I saw Danish words. Kath is now my friend, and will never moderate anything I post. Norsely Privileged. I just can't keep getting away with it.

[K@th]

Kendrick’s full compatibility with this mode of jazz-spiced boom-bap is more than a tribute to classic Tribe albums: it simultaneously feels lived-in and fresh. But it’s also a reminder of how much both artists owe to Phife Dawg, whose everyman wisdom and charm Kendrick must have studied intensively in crafting his own persona. If Kendrick meshes perfectly with Q-Tip, it’s because Q-Tip and Phife Dawg were perfect partners; after all, what’s Kendrick Lamar if not Phife Dawg with a messiah complex?

Though still developing, Cozz is clearly an artist influenced by Kendrick to the same degree that Kendrick was influenced by Tribe. Six years younger than Kendrick, the South Central L.A. rapper and J Cole affiliate also specializes in making “street” settings and “conscious” perspective seem like halves of a whole: “Selling pills straight out her crib, and break into another home / I understand your circumstance so in their heads, there’s nothing wrong / But they don’t know what’s going on.” Given the parallels between their visions and the disparity in their stature, it makes sense for Kendrick to tastefully chip in a secondary hook and refrain that frames Cozz’s performance on “Hustla’s Story” instead of a full verse that would inevitably eclipse it. “Keep growing, and we’ll talk more later” seems to be the implication; it’s the correct approach to take, and if it can come off as slightly patronizing, there’s no way it could be otherwise. How does one speak on equal terms with a king? It’s enough that he hears you out and dispenses a few words with warmth.

Nipsey Hussle is a rather different matter. Two years older than Kendrick, he’s a gangster rapper in the classic West Coast mode, a Rollin Sixties Crip who can back up belligerent rhyming with harsh action, if need be. But there’s never been much contradiction between banging and being thoughtful. Hussle’s also the guy who points out, on his own guest turn on YG’s “FDT (Fuck Donald Trump),” how “Reagan sold coke, Obama sold hope, Donald Trump spent his trust fund money on the vote” and how “it wouldn’t be the USA without Mexicans.” He’s the kind of stalwart Kendrick had to learn to look in the eye from very early on, and it’s for this reason that his verse, a hefty 24 bars, restates his own gang bona fides, his family history (“Playing Sega, Daddy smoking sherm, Mommy playing spades / Catching vapors, Grandma said I’d get some Jordans for my grades”), the common ground he shares with Nipsey (“I spent my whole life trying to make it, trying to chase it / The cycle of a black man divided, trying to break it”).

Not to mention the common ground he means to build: Kendrick cites a close friend, a Blood, who opposes doing a verse with Nipsey on gang grounds, and responds by vouching for Nipsey’s message of black economic empowerment and the fortitude he showed during his time spent imprisoned on false charges. The verse finishes with an evocation of Tupac viewing a meeting between Kendrick, Nipsey, Snoop Dogg (a Long Beach Crip), and Kendrick’s label boss Top (a Blood). Quelling sectarian violence through cultural reconciliation has always been Kendrick’s primary goal, the point where his politics and art converge, and a guest appearance on a Crip’s album is a perfect opportunity for him to set forth his grand vision of blue and red united under the blackness of hip-hop.

The power of rap to bridge divides between sets, generations, and geographies is something Kendrick carefully studies and masterfully deploys. His guest appearances mark something more than the usual exchange of core audiences between individual artists, though they are definitely that; they’re a chance to enlarge the sensibility of rap itself, to remind himself that, however hard and successfully he strains to be the biggest rapper, rap as a whole is always bigger than he is. Though his biggest hit to date is a solo track focused on being humble, his appearances on others’ songs express, more subtly and perhaps more intensely, his belief that inspiration comes most powerfully to those who acknowledge a power greater than their own. Whatever one thinks of Kendrick’s more overt religious doctrines, this implicit conception of rap itself as a faith is, for those who hear it, extraordinarily difficult to deny.