Much Ado About Poo

[Martin Hash]

Duty Shovel.jpg

Hold your nose while we do a little math: a typical person must relieve themselves at least four times a day with one of those events requiring solid attention. There is 30 days in a month, 100 people using the same toilet: how long does it take to fill that hole in the ground you are dropping all of this stuff into? Worse yet, what if there’s no running water, no porcelain stool, and certainly no toilet paper. Let me tell you potential travelers, the restroom situation in western Africa is bad.

Plus, there is another consideration – one I hesitate to mention but will out of completeness and the desire to spread the smelly information… Very often, it is simpler and certainly more sanitary to relieve yourself behind the nearest shrubbery. And it is not just white people who have figured this out: all of those filling holes in the ground are only getting half their potential use from the locals. The good thing is: things are only filling up half as quickly. The bad thing is: you can barely step into the bush without stepping in the cush – if you know what I mean?

For example, while traveling through Angola, we passed an abandoned Russian helicopter, probably left over after the last civil war. There was a policeman standing on top of it – surprising because we hardly ever saw policemen, let alone in the bush. We gestured that we would like to observe the intriguing hulk: he seemed surprised but shrugged in permission. Upon close inspection, it became clear the policeman was there on a mission of his own – apparently the 20 year-old rotting corpse of an aluminum-bodied implement of war is preferable to dump a load in than the toilet at the police station… And not just that one policeman had made such a determination.

I’ve actually gained the opinion that any bathroom exercise that doesn’t involve the use of a shovel is a good one. And here’s a hint: always carry low denomination paper currency just in case you’re out of your personal toilet paper stash, otherwise that shit might cost you a fortune. One more piece of helpful advice: constipation is your friend – carry “Imodium AD” and use it liberally – better no potty visit than having to give your shoes away because there’s no freaking way to clean them after treading in another person’s previous night’s fish dinner.

From lots of evidence, there’s always the old standby of pooping into a plastic sack and leaving it along the roadside. And, of course, western consumerism finds ways to profit from our discomfort: if you’re a discriminating buyer, the personal hygiene “iPood” travel shovel serves admirably.

If these words of wisdom do nothing more than convince you never to east while in Africa then I’ve done my part to better your life but should you not have the constitution to practice self-starvation, know that if you do have to do the doo – it’s probably somebody else’s doo that ends up on your shoe.