BATHROOMS I SHOULDN’T HAVE

[Martin Hash]

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Human history is notorious in its lack of restroom facilities, but considering that the alternative is having bathrooms, going without is probably the better course, because like baking a quiche, a bathroom not done right is worse than no bathroom at all. My own excrement expertise is a result of several ill-conceived camping experiences and extended travel in Africa and the Middle East but I’m as qualified to offer expert advice as the next person seeing as how I’ve been using bathrooms all my life.

First some definitions: a “long drop” is the scientific name for a deep hole in the ground that you drop your undesirables into, however I’ve found that some people’s “long” is quite different than what you might imagine. By my definition, if the pile protrudes over the lip of the hole then it’s time to dig a new hole - in fact, digging a new hole in the subsequent 24 hours before the next main event occurs would be my primary goal in life.

A “squatty” is an important Third World bathroom innovation, but squatties require a degree of balance I simply don’t possess. It must be the kind of skill you must learn in childhood because when I personally assume the position, my 2-point stance is a formula for disaster unless I can get a hand levered up against the wall. Unfortunately, the walls in foreign bathrooms are the last place for your hand to be – flies won’t even land on them. A really, really bad bathroom has one redeeming value though – no spiders – they have a better sense of smell than commonly given credit for.

I did see a urinal in Africa – a women’s urinal! Not a good idea considering the aim required. Anyway, a woman’s urinal is of questionable utility to begin with, except perhaps for gymnasts. After civilization, men still have a single competitive advantage over women – being able to pee standing up – and the advent of women’s urinals threatens that last lingering example of male superiority.

If I had any suggestions at all, it would be to dispose with the need to go to the bathroom. Most people are “full of it” anyway.

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