Thai Elephant Massage

[Martin Hash]

Elephant Bath Chiang Mai 1.jpg

Thailand is famous for its massages: they walk on your back, hit you, pull your arms, oil you up, and I've been told you can pay extra for a "happy ending." Let me reassure you that an elephant massage involves none of those things from an elephant because, in fact, you pay to give the elephant a massage. I never much liked giving my wife, Gwynne, massages, and I sure as hell don't want anybody else giving me a massage, but giving an elephant a massage is quite satisfying really: they seem to enjoy it immensely. All those pantywaists who don't feel animals should be subject to human exploitation have obviously never asked an elephant?

These were working elephants near Chiang Mai, Thailand. They do a few days hard labor, then relax in the forest for a day, then come down for their bath & massage from the tourists. The elephant handlers tell you that an elephant will pick you out to ride them to the river, and they do. The elephant that came over to Gwynne & I and put her trunk on our shoulders was named Cookie, she was 20 years old, and I think she had a crush on me. I was taught how to get on her back, and what to say in Thai for “left,” “right,” “forward,” and “stop,” but she ignored me. She would open her mouth when ordered so I could shove bamboo in her mouth but other than that, if a handler hadn't come by occasionally and said something quietly to her, I would still be on that mountain.

We walked down to the river. Cookie took us right in, proceeded to lie on her side, throwing Gwynne & I into the river because we were too clumsy to get off properly. We were handed scrub brushes and pointed. Cookie had gotten incredibly muddy during her day off in the forest; it was caked on a quarter inch thick, taking intense rotary action and lots of water to get it all off. We must of been moving too slow because she stuck her truck out of the water and squirted us then slapped her tail in the water. I increased my rhythm, after which Cookie made a contented rumbling sound deep in her massive chest. An hour or so later, we were bushed, having done both sides of Cookie, paying extra attention on the ears. Cookie would put her snout right in our faces when the ears were just right.

Elephant Trunk Martin Chiang Mai.jpg

Elephant Trunk Gwynne.jpg

The exploited-animal-haters need to protect us poor unknowing tourists from the banal desires of adult female elephants. Where do I file a complaint?