Free Prize

[Martin Hash]

My daughter, Heather, must think I sit around all day because I'm sitting around all day (writing), so she sent an email asking me to pick up a “free prize” she won on a radio station contest.

"Sooo sometime this week can you please go pick up my prize for me.
Please and thank you!!!"

The pick-up was about an hour away in Portland, a problematic trip because traffic is jammed almost all of the time. I carefully planned a 2.5 hour window, 45 minutes there, 1 hour 15 minutes back, leaving me 30 minutes to find and retrieve the prize. I even looked forward to listening to new pop & alt music on the car radio since I hadn't driven in years. (My wife, Gwynne, usually drives and she doesn't listen to the radio.) The drive wasn't quite as grueling as it could have been without GoogleMaps, and after 15 minutes or futzing around looking for the correct building, I was in the lobby of the radio conglomerate, and that's when it all went to shit:
 
Hello, my name is Martin Hash, father of Heather Hash whom originated this email chain after winning some kind of prize from one of your stations.

I have just come back from the singularly unpleasant experience of driving for 2 hours only to be thwarted, frustrated & made to feel inconsequential at your office in Tigard. I told the receptionist that I was there to pick up the prize for my daughter. After examining my driver's license & making me sign a release, she asked for my daughter's SSN, and when I couldn't provide it, denied me the prize. I pointed out that my daughter & I have the same last name, that I had an email chain with my daughter's and your email address in it, and that there was no mention of providing a SSN anywhere in the emails. I also explained that Oregon does not allow parole requirements during the conclusion of a contract, and provided my Bar # (WA 40551). None of these pertinent details dissuaded the receptionist, however. There was no offer to get her manager, no offer to have my daughter call later with her SSN, no simple acceptance that I had proof enough that I was who I said I was. In short, whatever function that receptionist was trying to perform, if public relations was part of it, she should get retrained or let go. Perhaps the receptionist is new, or perhaps your company discourages initiative? My suggestion would be that you have her take care of mailing whatever this "prize" thing is directly to my daughter as a reminder on how to successfully satisfy clients in the future.

Thank you for your time in this matter.

Sincerely,
Dr. Martin D. Hash, Esq.
Washington State House, 17th District, Position 2 candidate

To which the station replied:

By asking for your daughter Social Security number was not to prove your identity but rather to comply with federal tax regulations because her prize is valued at $150. When your daughter entered to win the prize the contest rules state that all prizing are taxable therefore we would need to collect the winners’ Social Security number.

I responded:

Diana, thank you for your help in this matter. The SSN explanation is totally understandable. If I had known, I could simply have provided my own SSN for the interim. I certainly know that one.

Again, thank you.
Sincerely,
Martin

We received the prize in the mail & it sure as hell wasn't worth $150.

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