Haoli

[Martin Hash]

I went to Hawaii with some old friends, John and Marla Polos. Hawaii is calm and detached, and it reflects in the native Hawaiians who seem so nice yet so far away. They call white people, "Haolis", but I can't tell if the term is pejorative.

John's son, Andy, also came with us but he camped out with friends on the Na-Pali coast trail. The temperature where we stayed was beautiful, but when I went with John to pick up Andy and his friends to change camp sites, the volatile Hawaiian weather had left them in drenching rain for three days, (but they told us it was "warm" rain). The three friends were supposed to stay two days at the new campsite we had shuttled them to but they showed up that night at the condo.

"Andy stepped on a sea urchin!" exclaimed Brandon, Andy's friend.

"I need everyone to pee in a bucket," I was surprised to hear Andy tell his friends. "You know what that native said."

It seems a local who witnessed Andy's plight had suggested Andy soak his foot in urine to "heal" the sea urchin's puncture. Neither of Andy's friends seemed too enthusiastic about the plan.

"I don't gotta go," said Nick. "I just went."

Brandon lamely nodded his head, "Me too."

"I mean it guys, this hurts!" exclaimed Andy.

The three friends then each drank seven wine coolers in about twenty minutes. Soon after Nick slurred, "I haven't had this thing out in a long time. I wouldn't use it for just anybody."

They were able to fill a pan about halfway up, into which Andy plunged his foot. "It's warm," he said.

Andy's dad, John, came into the bathroom to see what all the commotion was about. "What's going on in here?" he asked.

Andy started to explain but when he got to the part about why his foot was immersed in a pan of warm piss, his dad said, "I think I've heard about enough," and took Andy to the hospital.

Andy was treated in the emergency room where he explained his "treatment" to the native Hawaiian doctor who attended him. After finishing his story, Andy asked the doctor, "Would it have worked?"

The doctor eyed Andy coolly. "Look around you son, you're in a hospital."

"I know. I know," responded Andy, "but if I'd waited - would it have worked?"

The doctor didn't answer Andy's question, but he answered mine when, as he walked away I heard him mumble under his breath, "Haoli."