No Hassle

[Martin Hash]

I got a CapitalOne "No Hassle" credit card. You can tell it's no hassle because it says so right on the card! I couldn't wait to get my No Hassle card because I figure the amount of hassle says a lot about a credit card's prestige factor, (plus the television advertisements were good - I always wanted to chase barbarians away with my credit card).

When I received the card in the mail 2 years ago, I did a little no hassle dance then I went off to New Zealand to rack up some "No Hassle" miles. Unfortunately, the second day in New Zealand, CapitalOne turned off my No Hassle card. It was somewhat of a hassle turning it back on from New Zealand but I figured the average no hassle factor was still a net gain. Unfortunately, CapitalOne turned off my No Hassle card a few days after that. This time it was too much of a hassle to turn the card back on so I waited to get back home. Unfortunately, the few times I tried to contact CapitalOne to turn my No Hassle card back on, they put me on hold for over 20 minutes... Which was too much hassle for me. I decided to wait it out... How long would they keep my credit card on hold?

Apparently, forever. I'd forgotten about CapitalOne's "No Hassle" card until they sent me a new one in the mail. "What the heck," I thought. I'll give it another hassle to get some no hassle. I called to activate the new "No Hassle" card but the phone message said the systems were "being serviced - wait an hour." What a hassle. I waited 2 hours and called again... This time there was no answer at all - the phone rang until the phone company cut off the call. Hassle.

The new card sat on my desk for a couple weeks. I'm an anal guy... I don't like unfinished things so I called one more time to activate my "No Hassle" card. I was just about ready to hang up after 10 minutes of listening to the recorded message telling me about the lack of hassle I was going to get when I used my "No Hassle" card when a woman with a very thick Indian accent said something that I couldn't understand. I guessed she was asking for my name. I told her. She asked what I wanted (I think). I told her I wanted my "No Hassle" card activated. She said she couldn't activate it because it had been deactivated.

I said, "Well, activate it."

"You'll need to fax us a request to activate your No Hassle card," she said.

"That seems like a hassle," I said. "Couldn't I just tell you on the phone right now that I want my card activated - that's what the phone number is for, right?"

She said something I didn't understand.

I said, "Could you please just discontinue this card - or whatever you do to take it out of your system permanently?"

She said, "You want to discontinue your card?"

"Yes," I said.

"Could you give me a reason for discontinuing your card?" she asked.

I told her.

She started reading something to me... Something long... Maybe the agreement that's on the back of a credit card's application - I don't know? I hung up after a minute or 2. I cut the card up and threw it into the trash. It was kind of a hassle.

I guess I misunderstood - when they said "no hassle," they mean it's no hassle for them.