Internet Banking

[Martin Hash]

I still live in the stone age: everybody in my office uses electronic banking but me. It was time to put away my club and join the modern age so I took the initiative and called the bank to add "Internet Banking."

The first thing they did was ask me for my social securtiy number.

I gave it to them.

They said, "That's not right."

I said, "Well, that's my social security number. Listen, I opened this account over 20 years ago... The bank has sold out and changed names 2 times since then. Somebody screwed up somewhere."

They transfered me to someone else.

That person asked, "How can I help you?"

"I'd like to put Internet banking on my account."

"What's your social security number?"

I told them.

"That's not the number we have here."

"Uh, I've already had this conversation once before..." I repeated my previous explanation.

"I'll have to transfer you."

They transfered me to someone else.

"How can I help you?"

"I want to add Internet banking to my account but the social security number you have is wrong."

"What is your social security number?"

I told them.

"That's not what's on your account."

"Uh..... I know that. Change it."

"What was your last deposit?"

I told them.

"What was the date of your last deposit?"

I told them.

"You'll have to come down to the bank to change your social security number."

I decided to put on a suit (an expensive suit - plus my expensive gold watch - plus drive my Porsche with "HASH" on the license plate to go to the bank.)

I stood in line in the bank.

After a while, I finally got to a teller (she recognized me).

"Hello, Mr. Hash," she smiled. "How can I help you?'

I smiled back. "I want to add Internet banking to my account."

"What's your social security number?"

I told her.

"That's not the social security number on your account."

"Uh... Yeah... Could I talk to an account representative?"

I waited for a while until a younger girl asked if she could help me.

"I want to put Internet banking on my account."

"I can help you with that."

She took me over to her desk.

"What's your name?"

I told her.

"What's your social security number?"

I told her.

"That's not the social security number we have on your account."

"Could I talk to a bank manager, please?"

I waited for 10 minutes. The bank manager came to shake my hand.

"Let's go into my office," she said.

Nice office.

"Now, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to put Internet banking on my account but my social security number doesn't match the one on the account."

"Do you have any proof that this is your account?"

I gave her my driver's license.

"What is the social security number on your account?"

"I don't know."

"I can't change your account unless you give me your social security number."

I gave her my social security number.

"That's not right," she said.

"Yes it is," I said.

"It's not the one on this account."

"Change it," I said.

"Legally, I can't do that" she said.

"I'm a lawyer," I said.

"Then you should know I can't do that. How do I know this is your account?"

"You mean besides the lucky coincidence that it's got the same name as me?"

She looked at me mutely.

"Hey, forget it," I said. "Close the account. I'll go somewhere else."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," she said. "What's your social security number."

I gave her my social security number.

"That's not the number on the account," she said. "I'm sorry, I can't close it."

"I closes automatically if I zero it out, doesn't it?" I asked.

"Yes," she said.

I got out my checkbook and wrote a check to another bank for the amount in my account. I took the next check and wrote "close account" on the face of it, then I threw the rest of the checks in the garbage.

"Thank you for your time," I said before I walked out of the bank.