Not Me

[Martin Hash]

Not Me.jpg

I listen to a YouTube channel covering the top songs on Spotify. I’m concerned that so many are rap, where somebody says some lines over a beat track, with maybe a hi-hat for accompaniment. The topics of the songs are repetitive and not very clever so I tried my hand at it. When I finished, I was uncertain whether the lyrics might be too personal so I ran them by my wife, Gwynne.

“My wife has been coed skinny-dipping multiple times, even while we were married; not me.
My wife has gone to an X-rated movie theater with a guy; not me.
My wife had multiple boyfriends throughout high school and college; not me.
My wife went to see male strippers and was out all night; not me.
My wife had a naked girl hang all over her on a beach; not me.
My wife insists she was a complete virgin before we were married; not me.”

“What about it?” I asked. “Can I publish that?”
“Do you think it’s funny?” She asked.
“Comedians tell ironic stories just like that,” I answered truthfully.
“If a comedian jumped off a cliff, would you?”
I paused for a moment, stunned. “Give me a second, I have to write that down.”
We were silent for a while longer.
“Can I publish it or not?” I asked again. “It’s not like I’m accusing you of anything; other people know this stuff.”
“Do what you want.”
I know what, “do what you want” means but I’m publishing them anyway, with an additional verse.

“No one else would believe Gwynne was telling the truth when she told me I was her first and only man for everything, but I know her, and that’s totally plausible; she was my first and only girlfriend. I feel sorry for her blue-balls boyfriends before me but they must have all been losers... Not me.”