Perfect Marriage

[Martin Hash]

DALL·E 2023-05-03 09.47.00 - perfect marriage.jpg

A.I.'s Concept of a "Perfect Marriage"

My wife, Gwynne, and I recently visited a couple whose wife is dying of cancer though you wouldn’t know it if; they seemed to have a perfect marriage. We’ve been married for 44 years; I mentioned to Gwynne that we also had a perfect marriage, but Gwynne deflated my claim by saying that no marriage is perfect, that all marriages had their ups & downs. I actually didn’t know what she meant by that and wanted clarification. Let me first say that I am first & foremost, among my many expertises, a logistician, and list-making is my specialty. If I was going to claim a perfect marriage then I had to develop an objective way to measure it. I started by asking my wife what she considered a perfect marriage, and she mentioned happiness, perhaps the most subjective and overused definition ever contrived. I told her that I only wanted objective measures, not something that anybody could counter just by being perverse. I made my own list.

Being perfect can include as part of its definition that in a marriage, differences must be accepted as part of perfection. Differences imply disagreements so a perfect marriage certainly includes a fair amount of disagreement; as long as they always resolve without negative consequences, perfection is maintained. Given the caveat that arguments are a part of a perfect marriage, what other objective measures are there?
1) An actual Marriage certificate because it signals complete commitment. A relationship can still be great without the piece of paper but...
2) Children. Society, within which marriage is defined, exists to perpetuate itself, so kids are required for a perfect marriage. Again, a marriage can still be awesome without children but not perfect. This is a common theme in my investigation of what comprises a perfect marriage; marriages can still be of the highest caliber without one of the ingredients, but they aren’t “perfect.” Same sex couples with adopted children may have almost perfect marriages but the genes they pass on are not their own. A perfect marriage leaves a genetic legacy.
3) Kids turned out good, so they still want to be around their parents and vice versa. Kids in jail, etc., take the tarnish off of perfect.
4) Mother raises children and has a career, though the career is limited by the responsibility of motherhood. Similarly, the husband must have a good career.
5) The couple must experience a period of wealth, at least enough to be flexible, without financial worry, and the ability to pursue their goals, and other experiences, such as worldwide travel.
6) A perfect married couple loves their home, and that home reflects positively to the outside world. Living in a trailer park may be fine for you but other people won’t accept it as perfect.
7) Some things are out of the control of a couple, health being the most important, but good health, especially mental health, is required for a perfect marriage. 60% of all women over 40 are on some kind of psych medication, so health is a toughie.
8) Of course, never hit one another or threaten to leave. Certainly, never split up, even temporarily.
9) No affairs, unless some kind of consensual agreement is reached.
10) Active sex life. Sex is one of the greatest enjoyments in life and should not be rationed, because opportunity lost can never be regained; 2 Thursday’s a month after a night out does not a perfect marriage make.

After I laid out my Perfect Marriage checklist to Gwynne, I asked, “What’s not perfect about our marriage?”
She thought I had made my case but she did add something:
11) Spoil grandchildren.


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