I’m Square

[Martin Hash]

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I wanted to be square again, not socially, but physically. I didn’t begin with that goal when I started dieting, I was just trying to meet my New Year’s resolution to be under 160 lbs., which means I could fit into 32” x 30” pants, but when I finally made it, I asked my friend, Eddie, what his pants were: he said 36” x 36”. The smugness I had just felt completely deflated; Eddie was not only tall, he was square: I wanted to be square too.

Getting square seemed impossible: I hadn’t been square since I met my wife, Gwynne, 45 years ago. Luckily, I’d remained square for decades but sometime in my mid-40s, I became rectangular and it just got worse & worse until I couldn’t sleep on my stomach anymore: I had become oblong.
With my newfound square-impetus, I began to seriously watch my carb intake, and I fasted 20 hours every day, sometimes 40 hours. Gwynne didn’t want me to go into ketosis since that made me stupid so it was a careful balance of weight loss and strategically-eaten candy bars. Most importantly, I had to succeed before my birthday because then there were multiple days of obligatory eating: Father’s Day, Wedding Anniversary, Gwynne’s birthday, and now I want to announce that I succeeded and was square for over a week before heading back down the path to oblongness.

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