Getting Votes

[Martin Hash]

As the local newspapers continually mention; in fact, it's the only thing they say about me; I've run for political office a number of times over the past 12 years and I've never won. My best showing was 38% in 2016 that I learned about while traveling across China. But that was definitely an outlier; in 2018, my first run for the U.S. House, I got less than 1% of the vote. That was such a poor showing, even I was caught by surprise. I had made up a guess about how many votes I would get for each of the campaign activities I had performed: signs, debates, webpage, online presence, positions, podcasts, Voters' Pamphlet text, etc., but I was off by over 1700%. One of the guys running against me was an admitted active alcoholic; he got 4 times as many votes of me. In another race, a mentally retarded guy, one I'd actually contributed money to because I felt sorry for him, got 5 times as many votes as me with only a fifth of the potential voters! I wasn't just beaten, I was humiliated, but that's something I've endured my whole career, so like always, I took it as a learning experience; and it confirmed my opinion that democracy is perhaps the worst way to select leaders because only the most compromised can win. I often tell people that I continue to run to demonstrate the futility of democracy.

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That doesn't mean I don't enjoy running for elective office though. I'm running for the U.S. House again this year, and I shook the box, a metaphor for changing things up to see what happens. I attended no debates nor did I debate online. My wife, Gwynne, told me that even though I always won, all people remember was all the name-calling: not me, them. I had no issues: last time I really tried to have creative & sincere ideas, well worded & direct, but this time nada. Turns out people were just looking for a reason NOT to vote for me so I didn't give them any. I also didn't do anything with my campaign webpage except make it shorter, not as much to read. I took no positions on anything, and claimed no expertise on big local issues like I did last time. In the past, I'd gone to conventions, made flyers, and done door-belling with no better results than being on vacation. This time I tried whole new things, like running my personal quotes on Facebook every single day for 18 months, and a campaign ad every week that included pictures of my family. I also included pictures of my family on my 4X8 billboard signs; however, this time putting up only 5 of them.

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As chance would have it, when the Voters' Pamphlet came out, at fat one with 36 people running for governor, I was listed before everyone, which also put me first on the ballot. This was an unpredictable opportunity, one I hadn't even thought of, and I made hay while the sun was shinning: I posted pictures of my bio in several related Facebook groups, and talked it up as much as I could and still remain courteous. Unfortunately, the results of all my efforts yielded only a handful of Likes & supportive messages, and none from my friends & family. They've obviously provided as much moral support over the years as they're going to, which wasn't very much to begin with. I always joke that the only votes I'm going to get are from my wife & kids, and that's not far from the truth.

To keep things on a positive note, it's always a good thing to keep one's expectations realistic, so in that light, I have changed my goal of how many votes I want to get this election. Instead of the ultimate of receiving as many as the retarded guy, or even the raging alcoholic, my current focus is just to get more votes than one of the candidates running against me: Devin C. Gray. He has no signs, no webpage, not even an email address. No one has ever heard of him or spoken to him. It seemed like an achievable goal, and when I told my son, Heath, about it, he also thought it was doable, maybe a 50/50 chance, but then again, Heath is a fan.

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[C-Mag]

Not laughing at you. Laughing at our crazy system

[Xenophon]

Devin C. Gray ought to be the new "Alan Smithee" style pseudonym for people running for office who don't want to dox themselves.

[Martin Hash]

Devin C. Gray ought to be the new "Alan Smithee" style pseudonym for people running for office who don't want to dox themselves.

This is the craziest Voters’ Pamphlet ever: 7 candidates for different positions providing no information; half without even a picture.

[Xenophon]

Devin C. Gray ought to be the new "Alan Smithee" style pseudonym for people running for office who don't want to dox themselves.

This is the craziest Voters’ Pamphlet ever: 7 candidates for different positions providing no information; half without even a picture.

I've always heard normies vote for names they recognize. If yours is the only page in the voter pamphlet with information, hopefully that will give you the advantage.

[Martin Hash]

There’s 88 pages; 36 candidates for governor, including Goodspaceguy and 5GKillsEverything.

[Xenophon]

There’s 88 pages; 36 candidates for governor, including Goodspaceguy and 5GKillsEverything.

Goodspaceguy has a strong platform, but 5GKillsEverything has a face for television.

[Martin Hash]

It was a close battle, Devin beat me in some counties, but in the end I eeked out a few more votes than him.

p.s. I think Devin was actually a potted plant.