Political Candidate

[Martin Hash]

I've run for political office for over a decade, and even though I've never won, my Google profile lists my occupation as “politician.” I didn't choose that so they must know something prescient about the future? My campaigns are like that movie “Memento,” whose story unfolds in reverse, because my campaign starts on April 1st, Fool's Day, and ends on Filing Day. I have two campaign workers, not including myself: first is my son, Heath, who spends half a day each year putting up 5 campaign signs, and says things like, “good job, Dad,” to keep my spirits up.

Campaign Signs 2.jpg

And the other worker is my wife, Gwynne, who is my campaign photographer; she takes a dozen or so pictures of me on her iPhone for the Voter's Pamphlet profile. Also, on Filing Day, Gwynne went to the fish store, and spent half a day preparing homemade sushi for our celebratory end-of-campaign dinner. It's probably no surprise that I'm not even going to get all the votes from my immediate family who attended the celebratory sushi dinner, and certainly not from those who didn't.

Campaign Sushi s.jpg

One year I let the guys on my forum run my campaign. They created a Facebook page, Twitter & Instagram channels, and said whatever they wanted to say without any input from me. There was a sign-up sheet of who was going to post as me on what day in which place. I can honestly say I've never posted to my own Twitter channel; who knows what “I” might have said? When I posted that I was running again, one of the guys asked, "Can Nukedog be your social media guy again?" Nukedog is a pretend White Supremacist and maybe one of the reasons the forum idea didn't work out?

Even though it will never happen, I've learned not to say what I would do if I ever got into office because people are looking for reasons NOT to vote for you, and the more you say, the more people will find something they don't like. I also don't debate online anymore even though I'm really good at it; never getting angry, never calling anybody names; but I sure get other people going. When Heath reads the exchanges, he always blame me for causing a commotion, so it's better simply to delete negative comments and Unfriend the those I suspect of mental illness. I have enough experience with the U.S. Political system to know that democracy is a poor way to select accomplished & competent representatives.

The next day after the sushi party, a Google alert told me that the local newspaper had mentioned me, so Heath & I rushed down to the grocery store to buy a copy.
“Hey, there’s going to be a new self-storage,” Heath said excitedly; he’s always wanted to have a self-storage.
“No, the story about me is above the fold,” I directed.
He started reading: “Biggest news item of the day?” he quoted the article. “Surprise candidate?” He said, perplexed. “I put your billboards up along the freeway three months ago.” After he finished reading, he said, amazed: “you and self-storage are the biggest news in COVID19 days.”

Newspaper Article.jpg

p.s. If success is measured by the lowest cost per vote, as the only accountant running, I can confidentially predict I will win in a landslide.