Naughty Kid’s Limericks

[Martin Hash]

Whispering s.jpg

When I was a young kid, first through third grade maybe, the boys on the playground would whisper-sing:

There's a place on mars,
Where the women smoke cigars,
And the men don't care,
Because they wear no underwear.

I didn't know what the song meant but I knew it was naughty because women were smoking cigars and underwear was mentioned. That initial preconception, brainwashing really, stuck with me for years, all the way through high school. In fact, I never considered the meaning of the song until after I was married. My wife, Gwynne, and I were making a long drive in the car, and the old childhood limerick came to mind during the highway hypnosis, and I started considering it in the new light of adulthood. I was amazed that the words had remained unanalyzed in my mind all those years, especially their obvious implication. The revelation was so profound that I started reconsidering all the childhood ditties boys would say only in the privacy of a small group with no girls or teachers around. Imagine my adult chagrin?!

There’s a place in France, where the naked ladies dance,
And there’s a hole in the wall, where the men watch it all.
There’s a place in France, where the women wear no pants,
And the men wear bikinis, and the women suck their weenies.

First time I seen her she was standing on a hill,
Waving her titties at Buffalo Bill,
Singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot, singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot.
Next time I seen her she was lying in the grass, counting all the freckles on a cowboy's ass,
Singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot, singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot.
Last time I seen her and I haven't seen her since, she was jacking off a n***** through a barb-wire fence,
Singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot, singing tie my titties in a knot, in a knot.

Miss Susie had a steamboat,
the steamboat had a bell
Susie went to heaven,
And the steamboat went to,
Hello operator...

You're in the army now, you're not behind a plow,
You’ll never get rich, digging a ditch,
You're in the army now.
You're in the army now, you have to milk a cow,
You'll never get rich, you son of a bitch,
You're in the army now.

The worms crawl in,
The worms crawl out,
The worms play pinochle on your snout,
So if you ever see a hearse drive by,
You better not laugh & you better not cry,
Because someday, you’re going to die.

Glory, glory, hallelujah,
Teacher hit me with a ruler,
I shot her at the door with a loaded .44,
And she ain't my teacher anymore, shut the door.

On top of Old Smokey, all covered with blood,
I shot my poor teacher, with a green rubber-band.
I shot her with pleasure, I shot her with pride,
I couldn't have missed her, She's a hundred feet wide.
A knife in her stomach, an ax in her head,
And now my poor teacher, may soon be dead.
I went to her funeral, I went to her grave,
Some people threw flowers, I threw a grenade.
I opened her casket, and she wasn't quite dead,
So I took a bazooka, and blew off her head.

I'm Popeye Sailor Man, I live in a garbage can,
I eat all the worms and I spit out the germs, I'm Popeye Sailor Man.
I'm Popeye Sailor Man, I live in a garbage can,
I love to go swimming with bare-naked women, I'm Popeye Sailor Man.
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, I live in a frying pan,
You turn on the gas and I burn off my ass, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man.

Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg.
The Batmobile lost a wheel,
and the Joker got away!

Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts,
Ground up goats meat,
Little dirty birdie wings,
French fried eyeballs floating in a pool of blood,
And I forgot my spoon.

Here comes the bride, all dressed in white
Where is the groom? He's in the ladies' room.
What is he doing there? He lost his underwear!
Here comes the bride, big, fat and wide,
Here comes the groom, skinny as a broom,
Here comes the usher, the old toilet flusher.

My pack is too heavy, my boots are too tight,
My balls are swinging from left to right,
Left, left; left, right, left.

Mine eyes have seen the burning of the school,
We've tortured every teacher,
We've broken every rule,
We planned to kill the principal in the afternoon,
The truth is marching on.

Milk, milk, lemonade,
Round the corner fudge is made,
Stick your finger in the hole,
Hey, you got a Tootsie Roll.

In the land of Oz,
Where the women wear no bras,
And there's a big fat genie,
With an artificial weenie,
So now you know,
Why you shouldn't go.

Whistle while you work,
Hitler is a jerk,
Mussolini bit his weenie,
And now it doesn’t work.

This was my brother, Marshall's, favorite:
The Addams Family started,
When Uncle Fester farted.
And now they're all retarded.
The Addams Family!

And this was the one I caught my son, Heath, repeating when he was five:
I pledge allegiance to the flag,
Michael Jackson was a fag,
Pepsi Cola burned him up,
Now he's drinking 7-Up.

Michael Jackson s.jpg

[TheReal_ND]

J.D. Salinger was a jew

[Montegriffo]

None of those examples is a Limerick.

[pineapplemike]

[Hastur]

None of those examples is a Limerick.

[Hastur]

All my dirty limericks are in Swedish. This is the only one that comes to mind.

There once was a woman from Dallas
who used a dynamite stick as phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
and her asshole at Buckingham Palace.

[Montegriffo]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it"

[Manwithnoname]

There was a young man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said she smells quite a bit
And can’t fuck for shit
But think of the money I save

[Montegriffo]

There was an old codger called Trump
who was a big fat old lump
he thought it was bliss
to be covered in piss
by hookers who laughed at his stump