Balcony Down

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Martin Hash
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Balcony Down

Post by Martin Hash » Mon Jun 10, 2019 5:45 pm

Rob White owed me a favor for keeping his broken down VW travel van in my garage for six months so he offered to take a look at a rotten balcony over the front door. He scheduled an appointment to come over on a Tuesday afternoon but I'd forgotten and asked if he could take care of it without me. He said, sure, he was just going to inspect what had to be done and maybe do a little demolition of the old stuff. Halfway through the movie I got a text picture from my son, Heath, with the text “balcony down.” Gwynne & I rushed home.

Balcony Down.jpg

Rob was surprised when we drove in, he was trying to clean up before we got home.
“Where's my balcony?” I asked.
“Uh,” Rob started. “What are you doing home?”
“Heath texted me during the movie.”
“Why were you looking at your phone in the middle of a movie?” Rob said, accusingly.
“Are you saying it’s my fault there's a balcony in my driveway?” I asked, incredulously.
“Uh, no. There were some complications,” Rob explained.
“Yeah,” Heath interjected. “The balcony fell off.”
“We're going to put it back up,” Rob assured me, looking over at Heath.
“Yeah, it will be back up in no time,” Heath chimed in.
Rob & Heath, and a bunch of their friends had a beer party with the side effect of new deck joists but the deck itself was undone, and the railing was still laying in my yard with foot-tall grass growing through the balustrades. That’s when Rob went on a long planned for vacation then it was raining.

Balcony Joists.jpg

Two months later I told Gwynne I’d finish the balcony deck, and I did, but I didn’t know how to get the heavy brass railing back on top. However, nobody's ever claimed I wasn’t ingenious: after a dope brownie while in the Portland Rose Festival Starlight Run, I imagined a contraption that would magically lift the railing delicately into place... But that might have been the brownie speaking because when I constructed my idea, Gwynne acted kind of funny, and she must have called Heath because the next thing I know Rob was there.
“Hey, Rob,” I greeted him. “What a coincidence. You can help me hoist this railing up on the balcony.”
“Hold on, partner,” Rob said. “Why don’t we wait for Heath to get here?”
“Oh, is Heath coming too?” I asked.
“He better be,” Rob said cryptically.
“How do you like the lift I built?” I asked him.
“Hold that thought,” Rob replied. “Gwynne,” he asked, “Could you take a picture of me? I’ve got to send it to my wife.”

Rob with Contraption s.JPG

That’s about when Heath showed up.
“Hey, you brought beer,” I exclaimed. “Pass one over.”
Heath was looking up. “Let’s wait on the beer,” he cautioned. “It’s kinda looking like safety third around here."
“What?” I said, offended. “All I need is a little muscle and easy peasy.”
Rob and Heath looked at each other.
“Do you want to be the one on the scaffolding?” I asked Rob.
“I’m afraid of heights,” Rob said.
“Gwynne can do it,” I said.
Heath butted in. “I think Mom should watch from over there. She can tell us if everything is level."
“Okay then, let’s go,” I said enthusiastically. “I’ll pull the rope and you guys haul the railing up from the balcony."
“I got my laptop in the van,” Rob said. “I do insurance and I can write up a policy before we get started.”
I declined. Rob asked if Heath had an extra motorcycle helmet and suggested I put it on when I was pulling the rope.

There was a lot of bending, shaking, and heavy noises but the railing was finally in place.
“You need to recognize genius when you see it,” I crowed.
“I can’t believe that worked,” Rob said, relieved. “I have to admit, I was pretty sure someone was going to get hurt.”
“Dude, that’s only half of it, the real challenge is using only the items you have; I bought nothing. The hose reel, chair mat, and 20’ aluminum ladder I used for the overhead track are from the dump pile. The whole mess is zip-tied together.”
“Isn’t this below your pay grade?” Rob asked. “You’re like a Professional Engineer or something.”
“Professional Engineers would applaud what I’ve done here: least effort for maximum utility. The idea is to use some cardboard and masking tape spray-painted to match so the average guy glances over it; the ideal repair.”
Heath said, “I Facebooked the movie Mom made because no one would believe it otherwise.”

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C-Mag
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Re: Balcony Down

Post by C-Mag » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:09 pm

How far do your balcony joist go back into the house ?
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Martin Hash
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Re: Balcony Down

Post by Martin Hash » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:17 pm

Those are 12’ long marine lumber.

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Re: Balcony Down

Post by C-Mag » Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:35 pm

Martin Hash wrote:
Mon Jun 10, 2019 6:17 pm
Those are 12’ long marine lumber.
Nice.

I love hands on problem solving. Working in primitive areas you often are presented problems with limited resources.
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Re: Balcony Down

Post by C-Mag » Wed Jun 12, 2019 9:19 am

DrYouth wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 9:14 am
***Some passive-aggressive BS***
I was talking about his rickety lifting apparatus Hash put together, and saying that the kind of shit people do in 3rd world countries.

How'd you miss that ?
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Speaker to Animals
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Re: Balcony Down

Post by Speaker to Animals » Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:39 am

That's pretty awesome, honestly. He probably just wanted a chance at knocking down a balcony from some rich dude's house, even though he had to put it back together. At least he did it.

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Re: Balcony Down

Post by C-Mag » Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:55 pm

Speaker to Animals wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 10:39 am
That's pretty awesome, honestly. He probably just wanted a chance at knocking down a balcony from some rich dude's house, even though he had to put it back together. At least he did it.
It is awesome to overcome problems with limited resources.

Here's a problem I was presented with.

How do you move (2) 1000-1200 # wooden beams 100 ft +/- with no power equipment, but you have 20-30 people, two sets of scaffolding, rope and some dimensional lumber. Then you need to lift the beams up 8 feet and set on posts ?


We did it...…………….. really didn't take that long either.
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TheReal_ND
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Re: Balcony Down

Post by TheReal_ND » Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:57 pm

DrYouth wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:24 pm
***Additional BS***
Flag his youtube channel

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Re: Balcony Down

Post by Speaker to Animals » Thu Jun 13, 2019 6:42 am

TheReal_ND wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:57 pm
DrYouth wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 12:24 pm
***Additional BS***
Flag his youtube channel
I am flagging your Gab account. Fuck it. I am flagging all of Gab.

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Re: Balcony Down

Post by Fife » Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:43 am

They have some pretty awesome cars over at Gab, tho.

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