I have a rule: if I contact somebody 3 times, and they never respond then I delete them from my contacts list. But it wasn't enough; insincere connivers were still getting into my orbit, so I made another rule; if you stop contacting somebody, and they never contact you without provocation, delete that person too. You're free to use both these rules if you want, because true friends, as far as there is such a thing, will pass both of those tests; they will not keep putting you off, and they'll call to see what's happening occasionally, just because. Unfortunately, the people who fail the tests won't go away; as inconvenient as it might be, you'll still run into those folks on occasion, and they'll keep up the pretense of being more than users. For these people, you need a way to slam the message home, an epic troll they don't understand, but you do; I call mine “Batmobile.”
I lead people on who are leading me on: you pretend to be my friend, I tell you about the Batmobile I'm going to buy. If you're really getting on my nerves, I'll even Asperger's it with Batman lore, and I know a lot. Give me a couple beers, and bring up Robin, Burt Ward, who I know personally, him and his wife, and I can go off for an hour or more. To begin with, all the Batmobiles that have come and gone are muddying the water; there is only one real Batmobile, a 1955 Lincoln Futura concept car hand-built in Turan, Italy and modified by George Barris for the 1966 premiere season of the TV show. There's even a company that makes a licensed version of that model today that you can easily find on the Internet. Batmobile Replica It's not like I really wouldn't get a Batmobile if the stars lined up; if one of those babies was for sale nearby, and I ran across it coincidentally, and I'd just won the lottery, I'd buy it in a heartbeat and tool around town humming: nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, Batman.
Until then, however, it's a great subject for The Batmobile Troll:
“Have I told you?” I lean in close, grabbing their interest that I might be offering a juicy piece of gossip. “I'm going to buy a Batmobile.”
Right then you have to watch close because if they're in politics or wanting to ask you for something, some people can keep their face a perfect mask, but most people's will completely lose control of the muscles around their eyes. Some even start to say something like: “Are you fucking kidding me?!” But they catch themselves and pretend to cough. I'm not fooled.
I have a picture of a Batmobile from Comicon on my phone for just such occasions; I whip it out and make a big production of finding the image and hold the phone too close in front of their faces.
“I going have flames coming out the back,” I say.
Watch their jaw muscles for a twitch.
“I'm also getting the Bat Radar,” I continue if I want to really rub it in. Sometimes, though, not even that will get a rise out of a true exploiter, so I go nuclear.
“I’m also going to dress up like Batman.”
The sun doesn't become visible for a few minutes after that one, and if I didn't have an enemy before, I sure do now. At least, they're not going to call and ask for campaign donations for my challenger next time.
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