Shark Tank

[Martin Hash]

Application s.JPG

Back in 2008 I got an email that seemed legit from somebody who was producing a new TV show about entrepreneurs and wanted me apply. I was told to make a 4 to 5 minute pitch video. Back-in-the-day, that was DV8 format, and I dutifully packaged up the little cassette and mailed it away... Never to be heard from again. The name of the new show was “Shark Tank.” Fast-forward 10 years and Shark Tank is quite the thing. My mother-in-law watched it, and now there are half-a-dozen imitation programs. Apparently everybody's an entrepreneur at heart, and imagines themselves riding the wave to wealth and fame.

I decided I should apply to Shark Tank again. I Googled how to do it: my goodness, lot's of people apply to get on Shark Tank! 50,000 a year. They have a traveling roadshow going from big city to big city holding multi-day auditions. People come in from all over with their suitcase full of dreams, a cheap suit, and enough naive optimism to start a religion. This might be more trouble than it's worth, I thought, especially since I didn't even have an idea for a product?

That's right, I was going to have to come up with a Shark Tankable product before I could even get the application ball rolling. What could I do that would set me apart for 50,000 other applicants just this year alone? Well, I'm unique in that I'm the only ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant & engineer, with multiple doctorates to boot: what can I do with that? Then it hit me; I could be the spokesman for, developer of, and sales force for brain drugs, what are called “nootropics” in the dietary supplements business. I'd always been around the underground college pill environment, Adderall and Ritalin, because most of the competitive students take them to study for big exams, but I never had. They weren't really available when I was an undergraduate, and once I'd gotten one doctorate, I didn't think I needed drugs to do it again. However, I was at a constant disadvantage grade-wise, and I always wondered what I would have done if the drugs had been legal. Nootropics are the legal equivalent of those prohibited drugs, and I was the perfect guy to pitch them. Not only could I formulate the recipes, but I could program up the online store, write the copy, produce the video, and act as my own shipping agent. Who better to recommend brain drugs than me? Add to that the inclination of computer programmers to want something fast and convenient to consume instead of eating a meal, and I thought I had a Shark Tank winner. During a long 12-hour drive to California, I imagined my products and my strategy.

My son, Heath, saw me setting up the video lighting in my office.
“Why are you wearing your White doctor's coat?” he asked.
“I'm making a video for D-Sups.”
“Are those the brain drugs you're always talking about?”
“Yep.”
“You're not going to sell any of those things online,” he warned.
“It's for Shark Tank.”
“You're not going to get on Shark Tank either. You're putting way too much work into this.”

I called my friend, Jason, who does computer-related stuff with me.
“I want to add an online store,” I told him.
“For what?”
“Shark Tank.”
Jason really likes Shark Tank. He saves all the past Shark Tank episodes on his pirate video station, and he helped with my first Shark Tank application.
“You're not going to get on Shark Tank,” he said.
“I need you to tie the credit card processing into my general business account.”
“You're not going to get on Shark Tank.”
“Have the tax and postage computed automatically, and turn off customer reviews.”
“You're not going to get on Shark Tank.”
“I'm going to write a webpage frontend this week so have that ready for me by Wednesday,” and I hung up because I knew what he was going to say.

Gummie Molds.jpg

My wife, Gwynne, wasn't much of a believer in my idea either. I made her help me cook up the recipe in her kitchen, and help clean up.
“You're not going to sell even one,” she predicted.
“I don't have to sell any, this is to get on Shark Tank.”
“Then why do you have so many products? Shark Tank doesn't need ten products.”
“These are great products. Shark Tank is going to like that I have so many products.”
Gwynne just looked at me sadly.

I did it: I bought the domain name “D-Sups,” set up a webpage for sales, created recipes, hand-crafted and packaged all the products, filled out a Shark Tank application with pictures, links, and my multi-expert pitch, and sent it in. I waited. I gave it 2 weeks. A month. Finally, I had to admit that for the second time, Shark Tank didn't think I was anything special. I didn't want to tell Heath, Jason or my wife of my failure so I told my daughter, Heather. She looked at my website, my products, my creative application.
“This is pretty good,” she said. “Maybe you should watch the show at least once?”

Webpage.jpg

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D-Sups Website

[Martin Hash]

At Christmas, someone sent me a Shark Tank game. This is as much as I know about the show; I still haven't watched an episode.

Game.jpg

[Kath]

You probably should watch at least one episode. Lol.... Do you know people go on Survivor without knowing how to make a fire using flint? People go on top chef without having the slightest idea how to bake. If you watch any competition show, you get a better idea (although super condensed,) of what to expect, so you know how to prepare. As I understand it, the presenters are with the investors for two+ hours, but on the show, it's edited down to 10-ish minutes.

It's not a bad show. We watched it for awhile. It just got too predictable, once we knew what each investor was going to do before they did it. Patterns emerge.

It's like the game, "Cards Against Humanity." We lovingly call it, "Know your judge."

Don't go on Shark Tank without knowing the judges. Rookie mistake.

[brewster]

Sadly, I'd bet your ass backwards thought process is not unusual. It's like the guy who says "I want to be a millionaire, how do I do that?" Medical supplements is a good choice, more money and bullshit floating around there than anyone can imagine. My sister the alternative medicine horse Veterinarian, Acupuncturist and Chiropractor is working on a cannabis base vet supplement. Timing is everything! Maybe she'll finally get rich, she has 2 doctorates and not a pot to piss in. But I doubt it, she's like Wrong Way Corrigan, invariably makes the wrong choices.

Good thing you're already rich. I have some great ideas, want to fund me?

[Martin Hash]

My “ass backwards thought process” made me the only ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant & engineer in the world, and a multimillionaire. It makes you wonder who’s right?

[DBTrek]

My “ass backwards thought process” made me the only ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant & engineer in the world, and a multimillionaire. It makes you wonder who’s right?

[brewster]

My “ass backwards thought process” made me the only ever simultaneously licensed doctor, lawyer, accountant & engineer in the world, and a multimillionaire. It makes you wonder who’s right?

As I understand it, only the coding got you rich, the rest were for chuckles. Or do I have that wrong? FWIW 'multimillionaire' ain't what it used to be. I'm one, but I doubt I'm in your league. Inflation's a bitch. In the 1920s when people made a few thousand a year being a millionaire meant something.I think these days you need to be specific about the number of digits.

Yeah, our "goal oriented", affirmation society annoys me. On a real estate forum a 21 year old kid in NYC without a pot to piss in proclaims "I want to own 1000 doors!" 'Doors' being RE speak for homes or apartments. Its just like saying "I want to be in the 99.9%, one of the wealthiest people in the country!" Fucking hubris doesn't cover it. He's probably still living with his mommy and daddy is 'whereabouts unknown'.

[Martin Hash]

It is true that in today’s America, achievement means nothing, only wealth is admired; the more more wealth, the more admiration, but I’m Old School, what I did actually has value. Your mileage may vary. Remember, though, 100+ countries & 40 Year marriage.

[Speaker to Animals]

Having a good idea and possessing the talent and aptitude to build a business out of are two different things. It's not common for somebody to be both innovative and good at making a business out of it. Usually a person is one or the other, if anything at all.

[Martin Hash]

Mammon is all there is. What people do is immaterial, dismissed, mawked even. This is the new world order.