Near Death Experience

[Martin Hash]

I don't know how many lives I have? It's probably not as many as a cat but it's more than a couple. I've got to count them some time: there was that time I got hit by a car on my bike when I was in Third Grade, and that time I didn't die on my homemade motorcycle when I was 16, and that time when I was 40 and got lost in my plane, and, oh, yeah, that time the tankless water heater blew up...

It was one of those unusual winters in our area when we got quite a bit of snow, then the water pipe from the well to the house froze and burst. I watched through the window while my son, Heath, and my friend, Jason, spent hours in the cold, pick-axing through the ice hard dirt to make a repair. I saw them glue the last joint, and I couldn't wait to run into the kitchen and turn the Main on in the house because it had been hours and the family was complaining. It worked! I marveled at the heavy stream of water flowing out of the faucet in the kitchen, then my cell phone buzzed; it was from Jason out in the yard.
“We got the pipe fixed,” he said.
“Awesome,” I replied, about ready to mention how well the water was flowing, but Jason kept going.
“Whatever you do, don't turn on the Main in the house,” Jason warned.
I hesitated for a moment, turned off the faucet.
“I won't,” I assured him.
“Good,” he said, relieved. “Because if you do, dirt will get in all the valves. First, we need to spend a least an hour flushing the pipes.”

Jason and Heath spent way longer than an hour flushing the pipes.
“Dammit!” Jason complained. “Somehow a shitload of dirt got in and every single valve is clogged. I'm tired, my insulin's off, and I'm going home.”
Jason left.
My son, Heath, looked over at me.
“Dad?” he said.
“It was just for a minute,” I explained.
Heath seemed disappointed.

Tankless Water Heater.jpg

Before Jason got back, I wanted to get every valve working. I took apart each faucet and each toilet, and even the icemaker in the refrigerator, cleaned them and put them back together. Heath helped.
“Don't tell Jason,” Heath suggested.
We still had the 3 tankless water heaters to go but I couldn't figure out how to clean them. I turned one on to figure out how it worked.
It was then that Jason called.
“I thought you were taking a nap?” I asked him.
“While I was driving home it dawned on me the safety diaphragms of the heating element on the tankless water heaters are probably clogged. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT, try to fix them by turning them on.”
I looked over at the water heater I had running. It was making strange gurgling noises that sounded ominous. I stepped around the corner from the tank.
“I won't,” I told Jason.
KA-BLAM! The water heater exploded, sending 450 degree water blasting into the space I was standing 1 second earlier.

Burst Pipe.jpg

That's the reason I know there are Guardian Angels.
“What's that?” Jason asked over the phone.
“Nothing,” I said, and hung up.

Hundreds of gallons of water were filling the Second floor ceiling.
Heath was yelling, “What's going on?! What's happening?! There's water coming down the stairs. Are you all right?!”
“Turn off the Main!” I yelled down the stairs.
After a while, things had quieted down. Heath and I were looking up at the water dripping from the ceiling.
“Do you think Jason will notice?” I asked.
Then the ceiling caved in.
“Yep,” Heath replied.

Ceiling s.jpg

[DrYouth]

Your life is hilarious...

You should seriously consider a Netflix series proposal.

[Kath]

So, how do you like those tank less water heaters? I want one.



(Just kidding..... OMG you have a lot of fun stories.)

[SuburbanFarmer]

You should discuss your sons habit of giving warnings long after the appropriate time. He’s trying to kill you.