Getting Famous

[Martin Hash]

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For several decades, since I was a kid really, I had a long Bucket-list of things I wanted to do, which I finished before I turned 60. There was the sense of elation I expected but also an odd sense of loss, and something I'd never experienced before, the feeling of being adrift, a lack of focus; it was quite eerie. I mentioned what I was going through and somebody said, simply, “start a new Bucket-list.” Well, I wasn't going to do that, five decades is long enough, but the idea of a list of impossible things that might cross my path, something I could imagine but not necessarily be personally responsible for achieving, might be fun?

Let's see, I'd already made some movies, I'd already traveled the world, I'd already owned a Ferrari, a couple actually, and I'd already flown airplanes, but what I hadn't done was become famous. Oh, I was infinitesimally famous for a while, even got written about in newspapers & magazines, been on TV, and people occasionally asked for my autograph, but that never led to anyone to ask for my opinion about anything, I wasn't famous enough for people to care what I thought.

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I considered all the ways other people had gotten famous, and many of those weren't going to work for me, (Paris Hilton came to mind). I don't own a gun, so clock-towers were out; walking to the South Pole is way too cold; I'd parachute from space but that's been done; and I'll be damned if I'm going to Bruce Jenner it, neither the young decathlon Olympic Gold winner, nor the old “I say I'm a woman now even though I still have my dick.” Apparently, getting famous involves things I'd rather not do.

Then there's the question about how much fame is too much: Tom Cruise & Michael Jordan can't buy a six-pack at the local market; the narcissism to be Donald Trump is beyond human imagination; and I just don't have the gift of conversation required if another person was growing out of my body. It's either too little or too much: apparently, I'm the Goldilocks of fame, and getting it just right probably ain't gonna happen before the bears get home.

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