Trash Bracelet

[Martin Hash]

Trash Bracelet 1.jpg

My son, Heath & I, had been working on the car. We came in so we could wash our hands. In the stack of the day's mail was an 6x9 white envelope addressed to Heath. His curiosity overwhelmed him & he tore the envelope open forthwith. A little bleached white bag fell on the counter. Heath picked it up.
“This is the bracelet I got for Jessica,” he explained. “She likes bracelets. I got this for $15.”
Heath seemed rather proud of himself. He saw me looking at the formerly white bag, now festooned with greasy finger prints. “Oops,” he said, trying to wipe it off, but it only got worse.
My wife, Gwynne, said, “I think I can clean that off,” into the awkward silence. “Can we see it?” she asked.
Heath still hadn't washed his hands so he picked the bag up by the corner & shook out what looked like an old-fashioned beaded Baby bracelet, where each little bead used to have a letter of the baby's name on it, except these beads were murky clear, and irregularly shaped, and spaced irregularly, and... Ugly.

“This bracelet is made from the waste plastic that floats in the ocean,” Heath explained. “It takes ten pounds of plastic to make one bracelet. Jessica's going to love it.” Heath seemed pleased he could recite all the relevant facts, and the idea of a gift for his fiance that she would like, not like the car timing light he got her for her birthday.
“Oh, that's really nice,” Gwynne said, like usual, and she always meant it. “Jessica's going to like that.”
I didn't know what to say? My mom always told me, “If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all,” but I wanted to contribute to Jessica's happiness.
“Has it been blessed?” I asked.
“I don't know,” Heath replied. “What kind of question is that?”
“I can bless it before you give it to Jessica. I'm an ordained minister you know.”
“You got ordained on the internet, and were too cheap to buy the real certificate, you just screen-grabbed the display one.”
“The ocean gods don't care if I paid the fee. In fact, I'm thinking the blessing will be all the more sincere because it's not tainted with commercialism. Cross your arms,” I commanded.
“I'm not crossing my arms.”
I crossed my arms and grabbed one of Gwynne's hands. I tried to grab Heath's hand but he was too fast for me.
“Oh, Yabba-Dabba-Wabba,” I chanted. “May the Great Duck Bill bless this Trash bracelet.”
“It's not a Trash bracelet,” Heath objected. “It's an Ocean Waste bracelet.”
“May the Duck bless this Ocean Waste bracelet,” I continued.
“You better stop now before Jessica gets home,” Heath warned.
“Will she want to get in the Prayer Circle?” I asked.
“Oh, she'll want to do something,” Heath said menacingly.
“I'm sensing some bad Karma around the Trash bracelet,” I said.
“Gimme that!” Heath exclaimed, grabbing the bracelet & the dirty little white bag it came in.
“Is that bag made out of the discarded testicle hair of albino seals?” I asked, but Heath didn't hear me, he'd already gone upstairs.

I'm not sure, but a few days later I saw what looked a lot like the Trash bracelet in trash...

Trash Bracelet 2.jpg

[TheReal_ND]

Heath seemed pleased he could recite all the relevant facts, and the idea of a gift for his fiance that she would like, not like the car timing light he got her for her birthday.

LAMO she better be a mechanic. That's a tool not a car part.

[Martin Hash]

Heath seemed pleased he could recite all the relevant facts, and the idea of a gift for his fiance that she would like, not like the car timing light he got her for her birthday.

LAMO she better be a mechanic. That's a tool not a car part.

Heath actually needed the Timing Light, and the OBD2 Diagnostic Code Reader.

[TheReal_ND]

Boy Heath..... Did you give him the woman talk?

[Martin Hash]

Boy Heath..... Did you give him the woman talk?

He bought a Trash Bracelet didn't he?

[TheReal_ND]

So no then.

[SuburbanFarmer]

Hey, your writing has gotten much better, Martin.

[Martin Hash]

Hey, your writing has gotten much better, Martin.

I've been writing for 40 years. Here's one of my books from two decades ago that's hilarious: Memoirs of an Old Cyber-Cowboy

[DBTrek]

Entertaining story.