Job Hunting

[Martin Hash]

jobs.jpg

I write free-lance, with a couple dozen articles in print publications, and some online. Actually, I write an article every week, and the ones I can't sell (most) I put on my own website. They are usually humorous semi-autobiographical actual events. It's never been syndicated or even recognized by anybody but as a naïve optimist, I've continued with it for decades hoping somebody will.

Life is filled with funny events, you just have to be looking for them, but I also spark things to happen. I write over-the-top fan letters, put myself into goober moments, get involved in things it would be better to walk away from if I had any sense of probity. I even tried flirting with girls online but either I'm really bad at it or all those stories you hear of women driving across state lines for secret love trysts are all bullshit. (Shhhh, don't tell my wife.) It's all in fun, I don't like hurting people's feelings, it's just my artistic muse. One of the ideas on my list was to apply for jobs, any and all jobs that I was qualified for, and send my full-blown resume: PhD, JD, MD, PE, PA, CPA, USPTA, publications, movies, glory & all.

Resume.jpg

I went direct to Google, Time Warner, IBM, and some others that had huge job boards you could put your resume on, plus I applied through the following job search sites:
Glassdoor
EveryJobForMe
CareerBuilder
FlexJobs
Ladders
LinkedIn
Apply-4-Jobs
Jobcase
ExecuNet
Career-Rocket
EntertainmentCareers.Net
Job-Street
saic-jobnotification
gates-jobnotificaton
USASTAFFINGOFFICE
VentureLoop
Washington Job Department
@Vancouver Jobs

I had no idea what would happen but I was sure there would be awkward replies, transparent excuses, and intimidated reactions, and gave it over a year to percolate. What I wasn't prepared for was mute silence. It didn't make sense? I expected a large amount of unresponsiveness due to my "over qualifications" but, jesus man, I sent out over 350 job applications! Either the amount of applicants these people are getting has gone through the ceiling, or the work ethic of HR people has declined dramatically? Something's up, all of it bad. After thinking about it for awhile, I came up with a couple of conclusions:
1) Job postings are bullshit. There was never an open job, it was just cover.
2) The "jobs" Startups simply troll through the 1000s of company websites relisting the phony jobs in an attempt to gin up subscribers on their way to going public.

There were dozens of unsolicited insurance sales positions, and franchise opportunities from folks I assume saw my resume on one of the free job sites. For example:

“It has been 9 months since I first contacted you and two months since I lasted contacted you. Do you want to work at your current job the rest of your life? Or are you still struggling to find a job? I want to invite you in for an interview that will lay out the Associate role with Aflac in full detail. Please click the link below, visiting our automated interview scheduler to immediately schedule your interview.”

To which I answered: “Oh, do you have an insurance salesman opening for someone with 3 doctorates & 4 professional licenses? Sounds promising.”

And the reply was: “Most people come to us from many other industries and education backgrounds… we interview anyone who may be a fit. Obviously such educational background would be a benefit working with Aflac. Would you like to interview Monday at 1pm?”

Of course, his job is to sell YOU insurance, and the “job opportunities” below are simply disguised sales pitches:

“I ran across your resume online and wanted to see if you would be interested in a career as a real estate broker.” (Code for, list your house & the house of your friends.)

“We were doing some research on prospective candidates in the Vancouver area and your name came up based on your background and experience. We have been hired to recruit qualified individuals with managerial & leadership backgrounds for placement in franchise opportunities.” (Code for, wanna buy a burger joint?)

I kept the few responses I did receive:

“We appreciate you taking the time to submit your resume and qualifications. However, we regret to inform you that your background and experience are not a match for our current position.” (Nah, how could they, I don't have much of a background?)

“Thank you for your interest in the Systems Engineer position, Requisition 411999. At this time, this position is no longer available.” (Yeah, it became unavailable before they could interview the guy with 3 doctorates.)

“Thank you for your interest in the Program Manager, Business Undergrad Student Mentor. We have received a large number of inquiries from highly qualified candidates for this role. At this time, we have decided to move forward with another candidate.” (Oh, do you have someone more qualified than a guy who's ran multiple businesses & advised many more?)

“We have received your resume and are currently reviewing your credentials. Should we determine that your background and experience meets our hiring needs, we will contact you with further instructions.” (Apparently, my experience didn't meet their hiring needs.)

“We have received your application for Implementation Project Manager. Your qualifications will be carefully reviewed and we'll contact you if your experience and skills match the requirements of this position.” (Yeah, there are a lot of people out there with more “project manager” experience than me... Not.)

“Electrical Engineer: We have reviewed your resume and application materials and determined that you are eligible for this position. However, your responses to the applicant assessment questions did not place you in the highest quality category and therefore we are unable to refer your application to the manager.” (Yeah, a lot of Engineering PhDs with PE & Law licenses, so many so that I wasn't even “highest quality category.”)

The only other conclusion I can draw is that I am cursorily eliminated due to age with no examination of my resume at all.